Daily Dilemmas

Too much money and fame comes from hell

2006-02-15T19:47:00.000-08:00

This is for my case. I don't know about you. Been there, and from then on, I knew my limits of such luxury.

I was sharing with a few people last night that how money began to eat me, and infact, changed the person I was. I lost control over it and it begun to sink into my life and others as well. For a few months, it went like that. It's normal, for us wanting to crave for more and to feel wealth, to be able to buy ourselves peace and comfort. But you know what, I cannot deny the fact that it will destroy us slowly, and worst still, will prolong if we never noticed it.

The urge of wanting more makes us become greedy naturally, because of this thought in our head which rings over and over, 'you don't have enough..you don't have enough'. As a result, we vent our anger feelings on those around us, don't want to meet people or even do a little bit of kindness to those around us. I found that appearing in me, because I let people around me down and I was ruining my own relationships. Thank God that I noticed it, instead of putting the blame on others e.g. saying that people are a burden to me. Initially, I was complaining about how people help me 'spend' my money. The thought of spending became a fear, especially if just spending on a drink whatmore on somebody else.

The thing that brought me to realization is that I felt that I wasn't being myself. I felt pain, guilt and was indeed really mad at myself for doing such things. Then one day, as I turned back to the Bible, I realized that it wasn't what God wants me to be. I'm not supposed to be living in guilt. That's NOT of His will at all. Instead, I'm diverting my views at what I have as a blessing. I shouldn't look at what I do not have, but instead feel happy for the priviledge that God allowed me to have. Of course I need to work out a way to control myself from overspending, otherwise it will defeat the purpose as well.

I guess it applies to fame as well. I was given many roles of leadership. I've taken it, learnt a lot, especially when it came to a point where it really messed up my life because I couldn't handle it. Pride sets in. When people asked me if I were to be boss of a company, or taking leadership roles in church, I would certainly reject. Because I already know what will happen. I will become unbearable and become one of those lady bosses whom you always complained about. I know I will change.

As a conclusion, I need to have both of these moderately in my life. I only ask for enough money to support whatever I have to support and as for fame or rather, limelight, I ask for minimal. It doesn't mean that I reject leadership in my life, but I believe that there are silent leaders. It's possible to summon a group of followers without having a label or raising voices. It's possible to add salt to people's life and you can see the changes in their lives for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big hu-ha. Only we know what we did, and the best part is, it has such a great impact that perhaps the person we influenced can't tell what happened, who did it and people around them will notice the difference too.

J

Butt of her Own Joke

2006-01-23T22:35:00.000-08:00

Curses her parents
When their backs are turned
Jeers at those who are better
Because she is the best

Oh how she laughs at funerals
As if she would live forever
Looks down on the weak
Kicks them while she is strong

Chases people for work
Screeches when it ain't done
While hers is piling
Like a kingdom before her throne

So many are frightened of her
So many scared to stand up for truth
But in my eyes
All she has is insecurity

She has no love
And no one loves her
This is why she behaves this way
Gaining love from power

Love poured out from my vessel
She wouldn't allow her empty jar be filled
I became the butt of her joke
Even she influenced the ones who trusted me

But deep down I know
The end is coming near
It will change that she will fall
Face down on her own joke

J

This is the real thing

2005-12-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

We all do wonder about life and God; at least once in our life. And during the times we start to try to figure out why and what are we doing here on earth, are usually when times go bad. And when times are bad, we have two options to choose to respond. One: Thank God for what happened and continue trusting Him for the best or Two: Blame, curse God and asking him to leave you and your life alone. Incase you are confused; I’m covering two topics in this essay. First: Life and Second: God Himself.

Many people have different opinions about life. I cannot argue with that because it depends on priorities. I’m a follower of Jesus Christ, therefore, my ultimate aim in life is to know God through him and to walk his ways. It does amuse me to find out that most people think that once being a Christian, our lives will be stain free. If that’s the case, God might as well thrown us a little book, decorated with autumn leaves and red roses where the inside says, “Life is a bed of roses. Now that you’ve said the sinners prayer, off you go…Free…” with pictures of angels playing harps and little sheep prancing in the meadows. I felt the urge to bring you the bad news. HALT! Bad news with hope.

Many times in our life, things just go wrong or we’re just so messed up. Often, we point our fingers at others without checking ourselves first. Some of you might think of those who seem so strong and confident in life. I even heard a phrase that goes, “the positive, will always be positive and more positive and the negative, will always be negative and more negative”. Whoever had thought of that phrase, good on ya, nice words but UNTRUE. You can throw it away. Lots of people out there seem to make it big and puts on a façade as if life is smooth sailing for them. Lots of people put on big smiles when they go out. But you know what? They’re probably dying inside or at least, one point in time when they felt lousy. It’s nothing abnormal. Let me first clarify that we are NOT made to be perfect. I know you know that, but do you imply it on yourself? We were never made to be thrown in this circuit of life, fumbling about for the right gears to enter and figuring out how to drive properly by ourselves. However, we were not promised a bed of roses either. Okay okay! I know you’re getting impatient! I’ll hit the jackpot. What I want to tell you is that we are given a manual, a manual for maneuvering life. If we obey what that manual says, only then we can stand strong in the midst of a storm. This manual is an interesting manual. It doesn’t only have instructions, but also examples of the lives of other people whom we can relate to. People like you and me. You can see the consequences when they don’t obey.

This interesting manual is written, or rather inspired by God himself. And the name of this manual, is called the Bible. What is written in the bible, is no mystery. It is easy to read and understand. However, the mysterious part is how it speaks to you, and how you perceive it. Don't worry, it doesn't tell you stuff like 'Chant your prayers and I will hear thee', 'If you can go without food for 40 days you are a champion' or 'If you forgive at least 70 times, your sins will be cleansed from My wrath'. (Honestly if it did, I wouldn't even recommend it to you) It teaches you simple things, but it is NOT easy to follow, as mentioned, we are already a defeated species. Let’s take one verse. Matthew 5:44 that says, ‘But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you’. Simple isn’t it? But do you really understand what it is trying to say? It means, CARING for your enemies! Think about the person who hurt you most, that car that just overtook you or stole your parking space, the grumpy woman in the library or behind the counter. This verse didn’t say, “love those who love you back”. It literally means to forgive and not hold any grudge against people like these, but to love them in return, doing good to them, and what more, PRAY for them! It didn’t say, “Thou shalt stab your colleague’s back(s) if they bitch about you”. I know you wished that scripture said it that way. Unfortunately, it’s not the way of God. He does not intend you to walk that way. Well, I guess I do not have to explain the consequences if you retort with anger, self-pity, slander or destruction at a situation. You already know what would happen. Situations don’t get better. I won’t say that by loving you will change situations but you can change YOURSELF. It’s not an overnight thing. Obeying what the Bible says takes time and one has to be very patient while acting upon it. The Bible is not created just for bedtime stories, but for you and I to learn more about life, to lead a meaningful life and most importantly, to discover the heartbeat of God. In fact, to put it another way, the Bible is a mirror for you to see your own image, that if there are meant to be corrections anywhere, it will tell you what to change, only if you see it of course! How would you expect to be corrected if you didn’t see your zit? It can’t shout at you! Trust me, if you could apply at least one verse in your life, you will see that beauty change in you. Even if you don’t, others would. It’s unhideable.

We always perceive God as some Big Guy in da Sky, has a pot belly, stroking his beard, striking lightning at those who disobey him, amused by his cute Lego set called Earth and seems impossible to ever communicate with him. Therefore, lots of people come up with all sorts of imaginations and theories of ways to reach God. I have no time to talk about that. What I want to say plainly is that God is not THE mystery. We are not meant to understand him fully because the bible already said so. He is our creator and He loves us. That’s all the info we need to know. The other part is whether you accept it or not and your decision to make out of this info. He is there to assist us and in fact God is quite a simple being. Obviously, the Bible is His word, so if you want to know more, you’ve got to read it and not only read, but to follow what it says, and THAT is His WILL for us. We always talk about doing God’s will. It’s no mystery where you have to starve yourself to death or do religious things to find out what He wants us to do. Flip those pages and you will see it all lying there, waiting for you to choose. If we read the bible carefully, there’s no in-between. It’s always a clear cut, a yes or a no. It’s only us defeated creation, that create our own problems due to our wants and greed. Agree? We don’t really need many things in life, if you really sit and think about it. God is Holy, and you must understand that. He CANNOT associate himself with sin. Mishaps don’t happen because of Him. I know you must be thinking, “God can stop mishaps”. Well yes He can, but as I mentioned so many times before, life isn’t a bed of roses! He has his own plans, but for sure, his plans are never meant to harm any of his creation. You must be thinking about those who suffered and died for him. Let me ask you this question. Wouldn’t it be better for someone to rest and be united with God forever? You may go on blaming God for being mean and stuff, but that really isn’t going to change anything. The only thing is that by having thoughts like these may cause you to fall. Just be careful.

On the other hand, if we reacted thankfully to situations like death, divorce, break up, financial distress, stumbling business or whatever it may be, it is a step of faith. It is a beginning and in fact, an opening for more avenues for God to work in your life. It is like a hospital. Doctors are meant for sick patients. Not the healthy. The reason why so many people decide on the second option of response is because their heart and faith is not built on solid ground. This life manual is provided for you and I to know how to respond and react in stormy times. Ideally, it is better to read it before a storm happens.

I guess I have spoken enough. I cannot convince you, cause the only way to convince yourself is to discover it for your own. The bible is the coolest tool I’ve ever had for rebuking, correcting, encouraging and teaching. Have you purchased your life manual yet?

J
Inspired by the Bible, Holy Spirit and Pastor Chris Kam

Healed?

2005-11-09T18:55:00.000-08:00

Wow...just a short posting for today. I want to tell you how amazing healing can be, or rather, how prayer works. Prayer is a funny thing that many do not understand. Only those who have used it to its maximum will know how it works, really. Because those who know how to use it never gave it up. I'm one of those who gives up many times. There are some strange times when my prayer had been answered ON THE SPOT. Scary but true. And when it is answered, in a pleasant or tough way, my faith increases. I noticed that it's only this way I learn to put my trust in God. My faith wavers when I don't pray. I become lazy because I don't see God working in my life anymore. Like a dying friendship. The longer you don't keep in touch with somebody, or don't see the person, the impact is just not as constant anymore...well, it is like that for me.

~~~~~

There were many things I've prayed for and it was answered, but there are 2 most outstanding ones that I cannot forget. The first one was for my grandfather. He was already dying and the doctors told us he would only survive another two days. That was the moment when I totally disbelief what anyone said, or how the people around me are reacting. Although those around me gave the feeling of losing hope, I don't know why this strange surge of hope rose within me. Boldly I declared and prayed aloud with my sister, that my grandfather WILL live. He will live till he has heard the gospel. I don't remember my exact words but I know that I prayed confidently. Confident that He listens, confident that He'll give me an answer. Wow..it was the rarest time ever! Since that day till last night, I've never prayed like that before. With that confidence. What did God respond? He gave grandfather another month to live and yes, he heard the gospel. I don't know if he accepted it, but during his funeral, it was the first funeral I felt very very peaceful. I sort of 'banned' myself from attending funerals in the past because I had horrible nightmares after attending one. Grandpa had a rested face, a satisfied look which said, "Mission Accomplished on Earth". No nightmares for me after that.

~~~~~

I had a foot injury from work about 2 months ago. It's due to a muscle pain on the roof of my foot. It's really a strange place to get injured in. I thought it was because of twisted veins..well, whatever it is! When I went to Bangkok, I had a warm bath and after soaking my foot in that hot water, it sort of went back to normal. However, the pain returned after I attempted swimming. This time, it got worst and my knee hurt as well. I've been limping slightly for 2 weeks. Though I sit down and rest often, it doesn't work. Last night, I decided to pray about it. If God can heal, why not try Him? So I prayed. I laid my hands on my knee and my foot. Then I prayed for my scalp as I am having my scalp problems again. Oh, I'm having some thinning of the hair due to seborrheic dermatitis. There's no cure for this one because it's due to some yeast on the scalp which everybody has. Only 5% of people in the world have an intolerance to this yeast. They will find irritation, scalp turns oily, flaky and red spots appear. As a result, it harms the hair. If I'm not mistaken it's a genetic thing. Well, what the heck. I prayed for my knee and foot and IMMEDIATELY the pain went. I was thinking, "Ah...maybe it's all in the mind" but you know what, till now since morning, I've been walking a lot due to work and it hurt not one bit! I'm so thankful and amazed. About my scalp, I don't know yet. It might take some time.

~~~~~

God has funny ways and times of responding to our cry. It may be years down the road, it may be immediate. Most of my prayers are answered many years down the road. Sometimes I feel that God has very cruel humour, but haha, I find it funny. I'd like to believe that the God I trust is humourous. Let me tell you several prayers of mine that I like to laugh about after it was answered. Firstly was when I had a major crush on this boy when I was 12. I so wanted to be with him and hoped that he would have the same feelings for me. Guess what, God answered it 5 years later, when my feelings have of course, travelled to someone else. Besides, I got to know this boy a bit better and I'm thankful we're not together. Not for bad reasons, but there were certain things I knew I cannot tolerate about him. Secondly, when I was 10, I had very thick hair. So thick that many hairdressers couldn't give me a good haircut therefore I always wore it short. I got sick of my thick, unruly hair and I asked God to thin it down. Now I got my answer. LOL! Sometimes I feel God is chuckling by Himself up there, watching what happens below at His lego set.

~~~~~

Yeah, prayer is really cool. Most of the time, we're not prepared to receive what we asked for. Speaking about that, I was chatting with a good ol' friend of mine about life partners. He asked me what I asked God for and there I gave him a very long list of what the future guy has to be. He nodded and said, "I see....I only asked God for a gf and He gave me one that suits me perfectly". How embarassed I was! Then I asked him, "But why didn't you specify what you wanted?" And this was his answer, "I didn't ask too much because I do not know what will be suitable for me. Besides, the person that God has for me, possess qualities which I will need in future which I do not know right now". What a simple prayer! He's only 18.

~~~~~

I suppose the way we ask God for things in prayer should be kept simple. Like I mentioned, most of us are not ready to receive what we ask for, moreover, we do not know what will be best for us. Most importantly, don't be shy to ask.

"In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence" - Ephesians 3:12

Patience

2005-11-08T00:17:00.000-08:00

It's always so easy to speak this word, hear it but like you and I, we struggle to have it. Patience is something we are not born with. It needs to be cultivated in every situation. This word came to my mind ages ago, but I never really dealt with it. Today, since I'm having some free time during work..ahem...I decided to write a little essay about Patience. I hope it makes sense.

~~~~~

Why is it that we get agitated so easily? It's because of our differences, our priorities, our beliefs and our opinions. Nobody I've met, have the same thinking nor have the same priorities. Maybe similar issues but hardly accurately the same. And because of that, naturally we become defensive of ourselves and heck, we lose Patience. Wow..I really am beginning to like this word now. It sounds so...magical. Patience. When you see it, you'll come to a sudden halt, and you'll start rethinking about stuff. When we get agitated, we lose patience and we get angry. What a waste of hair isn't it? (Oh yah...people lose hair from stress if you didn't know because when we are stressed, the body produces some kind of hormone and it is an unhealthy thing in the blood so..yeah..it'll affect the other parts of the body).

~~~~~

Let me tell you a story. I am someone that struggles with anger. To cut it short, I lack of patience. Till today, I'm struggling with it within myself because I try not to vent it on others. If you would step in my mind right now, you might not even survive seeing it. That's how bad my anger gets. Now I try very hard indeed to stop it, like walking away while I'm not settled or ready to talk. It's killing me I know. Therefore, this word flashes in my mind frequently.

~~~~~

Patience comes by through endurance. There's no other way it could be learnt. This is one thing I know. When the mind goes off hand, endurance is the last thing we would think of, because at that point of time, what matters most is to fight the case, to fight for our own rights, to defend outselves, to make sure we're in the 'safer' part of the situation. It's always me, I and myself, isn't it? Think about it. In the end of the day, no conflict will be resolved. It's not about just uttering the words, "Sorry". It's about cooling off quickly, putting ourselves in the other party's shoes and talking out the situation. Keeping quiet and grumpy till the sun goes down will not help one bit. I've tried this method and it works. BUT it is something we need to get used to doing. Practice patience. Practice enduring. At one point I was getting the hang of it but because I became complacent, I got back to where I was. It's something we need to work on constantly.

~~~~~

Here's what I notice about impatient people. They don't get along well with many and they do not have good friends. They have this tendency to boss people around because they themselves are too impatient to be able to do the job. This makes them so unlovable and just makes them unattractive. I wonder why some girls especially, think that it's so cool to act strong and macho cause it really really puts man off. I've sort of 'interviewed' some guys, both single and married about their choice of women and that's how I found out about this. Even some of their wives/gfs act like barking dogs. Girls, don't blame your man if he's going for someone else, cause you really need to look at yourself in the mirror first. This is an attitude problem, it's not being strong. Ah, I'm going off topic..better return to Patience.

~~~~~

I'm running out of thoughts. Basically, Patience is a beautiful word which makes a person different in and out. Patience is not Compromising. Patience is being able to step out of the box, looking at things from a third person's view, working out a way to solve a problem. Endurance is when we swallow our "Me...WHat about ME???!!" thoughts and feelings to be able to grasp Patience. Compromising is ignoring Patience and Endurance, and just agreeing with the other party, go with the flow whether I mind it or not.

~~~~~

Cool. Today I learnt something myself from my own typing. Hahaha!

Rain, rain on my face

2005-10-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

Sigh...I am slowly getting bored of typing. Maybe because I had too many happenings in my life. Maybe I prefer being more private about my life. Well, whatever the reason is, I've lost the heart of writing my thoughts and feelings.

Anyway, this week has been a very restful week for me. It is raining everyday here and I enjoy it so much. Even at work, no matter how busy I am, the minute the rain starts pouring buckets, my colleague and I will stop doing work and rush to the window and just stare at the rain for a few minutes. I don't know since when I appreciated rain so much. Especially if it rains during lunch hour in the weekends. I just love to open the back door and sit there watching the rain hit the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful. For once my mind stops working. The only thing I remember is sitting there with my mouth opened in awe. It had been pretty hot for the past few months and every night is a torture for me as I cannot get my complete sleep. I wake up extra grumpy because I feel soiled and sticky from sweating in my sleep. Ugh...hate that feeling. Now that is rains every night, the weather is so cold and nice. It's so comfortable to be sandwiched between pillows and bolsters. I never felt this quiet and peaceful inside for a long time. Just makes me want to sit and do nothing.

When you step outside after it rains, everything smells so fresh. That's the best part. Everything feels pure and new once again. How I wish it were like that for me. I always want to start my day fresh, I don't want to be held back by past memories, I don't want to be bogged down by strongholds and bad habits, I don't want to be controlled by anything or anyone, I just want to feel free. My heart is never ready for anything. The only thing it seeks is freedom all the time. One thing I've discovered is that to keep a lot of privacy to oneself. It brings a lot of comfort and freedom, and you don't really have to bother what people think because they don't know what goes on in your life. Afterall, it's good enough that we share a portion of our lives, or an outline of our lives with others, as people have their own lives as well.

Someone once told me, I am very very pesimistic. Hmm, yes and no depending which perspective he or she is looking at, and depending on our priorities. Because we have different views about life, we will never agree with anybody else. Being the first to know, this friend is one friend who is very open minded for being able to listen to my explanation regarding my priorities in life. I have mildly mentioned to a few people, but they cannot accept it as it is a sensitive issue therefore, I'm saying this particular person is open minded. That is as far as I can get. I do not like sharing about this with anybody in fact, but because this person was so brave to ask me and honestly tells me what he thinks. I really respect that and I hope to meet more people like-minded.

Anyway, I am not here to be defensive about myself and it's not really about myself either, because like I said before, it'll be meaningless to you. Beneficial, perhaps in future when we meet or when you have reached that cross junction, I'll be with you.

I need more rainy days. :)

Hello Kitty!

2005-10-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest obsession is none other than cats. Cats are amazing creatures and they humour me all the time. I never thought of keeping cats from young, never liked them before and everything started when this tabby stayed at her favourite spot in our garden. Every evening she will curl herself under a little shady plant which is directly in front of our house. She is mainly white in colour, with little patches of brown and black on her head, neck and tail. It's funny to watch her clean herself, because she keeps thinking that the brown patch on her neck is dirt as we know cats only see black and white. She can't stop cleaning that spot until she gets frustrated (everyday!). I couldn't help observing her every evening cause she looks so relaxed and carefree under that small bush thing.

~~~~~

One day my sister Jo-Ann and I decided to call it. She was a bit reluctant at first but then slowly the feline became our friend. We decided to give her the name Purval, which I regret now because it kind of sounds vulgar. It originated from a name for a bird species but I modified it, trying to make it sound like a name of its own. Well we slowly started feeding Purval with milk and increased her food intake by buying 'ikan kembung' and cooked it with rice. Of course, cats mate VERY often and Purval brought back countless litters. One thing we noticed is that she never gave birth in our home, but always gave birth in the neighbour's roof. I still remember seeing her walking through the gate with a newborn kitten in her mouth. Her face was so focused, as if deep in thought. Then I followed her to where she came from and saw how she climbed up to the neighbours roof. (Watching her get into my neighbours houses gave me a rough idea how to get in myself). Sometimes I do follow her right into the neighbours but the strange part was my neighbours seemed to welcome me all the time although I was uninvited. Hmm..maybe they just think I'm a lost girl playing in the neighbourhood cause I was so young then.

~~~~~

Well, in total, I believed we had taken care of more than 20 cats. At one time, I had 14. The cats were a mix breed which I don't know what because there was this bunch that were different looking than the rest. They were much larger in size and fluffy. This batch were the dearest that I loved because they had so much character in them. I gave one away to my neighbour, which has continued breeding and I still get to play with his 'grandchildren' as all my cats evacuated the house when we had a white ant treatment. Well, in this batch, there was Bob and Nicky. Bob was the first and longest surviving male we ever had. He's very unfriendly and his claws are the sharpest. I never tried playing or befriending him because he's just impossible. I only feed him. He died during one of our holidays. My neighbour saw him fought with a stray dog outside the house, killed the dog and since the dog attacked him on his stomach, he died at home, from losing too much blood.

~~~~~

Nicky was the one I loved so much. She is the sweetest, innocent thing ever. She had the prettiest colour I cannot find in any other cats I've seen. Her eyes were beautiful, dark almond and it was slightly close to one another. Her body was like Purval, white and with smokey gray spots on her head (I used to tease her, calling her Wolverine), on the back of her neck and her tail. Her tail was smokey gray with faint white rings towards the end of her tail. She's beautiful. If she were human, she would be a model. Nicky loves watching football. She would choose to sit in the highest place in the house to watch the kids play footy outside in the field opposite my house. Her innocence made her befriend the neighbour's dog, which is a dog most of us are afraid of because he is so fierce. I was so surprised when I saw her leaped over to the neighbour's and pranced around the dog. I was about to shout with shock and then stopped when I saw the dog, with all his ego, looking at her with disgust as if saying, "Ugh..get away from me you immature little thing!" and not attacking her. I went into the house and came out about an hour later and found both of them curled up together under the car, sleeping. That was the sweetest thing I've ever seen.

~~~~~

Nicky was too immature to be a mother. That was why we brought her to get injections, to prevent her from conceiving. I believed that she died because we didn't send her for her injections at the time she was supposed to because she got pregnant. It's like getting a teenager pregnant and not helping her deliver or handle the child. Nicky did not return. It took me years to get over her as she left me so many memories. I enjoyed sitting in the garden doing my homework with her, talking to her at the same time. We played hide and seek, which was our favourite game and always a must everytime I come home from school or the weekends. I'll hide and she'll seek. :) She's so good at it. I annoy her by running away and she will come bounding after me. When it rains, I like to let her sit on my lap and pat her to sleep. She was a real companion for me, and I find it hard to find anyone or anything that can replace her till today.

~~~~~

Then came Jay, last year and must have died this year. Jay was incredibly cute. A different kind of cute compared to Nicky. He came in as a kitten, self-invited himself into the house and sat down before our ex-housemate, who was tall and bulky. I can imagine a giant standing before this tiny skinny thing, trying to shoo him out. Jay is superb. He's a little hero. Even smacked the neighbour's dog, which was like a boxer, 'telling' the dog to shut up as it was barking at my friend. Jay is bright, striped orange in colour. The problem with him is that he bites and scratch, which today we still have his 'scars' on our car, clothes and bodies. He also brought back his girlfriends, hoping we could keep them as well. He was heartbroken when we objected and fell sick.

~~~~~

Now, we have a weekend cat. He's called Charlie. This cat is like a goldfish. He doesn't know when to stop eating. Once he was so full but he kept on eating till he nearly choked. Eventually, he fell asleep beside his food bowl, with his tummy bulging. Now, we have put him on a diet. Only a certain amount a day, not to what he fancies. He's not pleased and gives us a sulky face. Now he's gotten used to it and only comes home for food. This cat hasn't got much of a character but he's still cute. Loves to be belly rubbed, but hates to be carried.

~~~~~

In conclusion, every cat has a different character, just like human beings. I enjoy observing them and playing with them. Oh how they hate it when they are doing their business and I'll go, "Eeeeeee!!!!! SHY!!!!!!" They'll be trying to look elsewhere and they look so shameful! :D

Holy Moly!

2005-10-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Are you sick of hearing those words, "Come to church! Come for cell group!"? I know that in most of our hearts, we'll be thinking, "Go to church? Fake it all to add points to heaven?" Or a backslided Christian would think, "God doesn't care how often I make it to church. That's not the point. I'll skip anyway" or "What? Meet all those fake people there AGAIN?"

I speak from experience. I've backslided from my faith countless of times. When a person backslides, they have so much doubt and disbelief in what another Christian would tell them or advice them in any aspect. We tend to rely more on our judgements or our observations. It is a very dangerous position. Any minute one could just loose all the faith they had in God. Like a room-filled with gasoline and all we need is a spark. We tend to believe what people tell us easily, even stupid things. Somehow, our wisdom will fade away. Sadly, we read less of the bible and don't see the importance in going to church anymore.

Going to church and meeting up with other believers is very important. Even the Bible stresses it but I used to take it lightly. I know sometimes we drag our feet to cell group or church but you know what, if we went with an expectant heart, we'll learn so much. So much we cannot imagine. Also depending which church you go to, because the church I'm currently attending, is preached by very experienced pastors, who have really given up so much of their heart, time and possession for God. To listen to their perception of the Bible is amazing, we cannot match to our own thoughts. I believe that most who go to church (or don't) have very little wisdom and communication with God. That includes myself. I tried doing a bible study on my own, but I just cannot perceive deeply, only as much as the words in the Bible can tell me. If you think what I type is heavy stuff, then you should attend church. Specifically Damansara Utama Methodist Church (DUMC). Somehow, when we listen to what is preached, it'll give you a lot of insights to battle with. You may or may not agree with the pastors, but at least it'll get you thinking more seriously about life and not just letting it pass you by.

I used to struggle with the fact that church goers are all fake people. Like they greet you with a smile or act really caring and friendly DURING church but after that, the nice warmth vanishes in thin air when we bump into these people outside church. That makes church unattractive to go but you know what, after much thought, I could be like these people as well. At some point I may wear masks. I also remind myself that a church IS filled with sinners anyway. A church is meant for sinners, like a hospital is meant for the sick. It is a place where we learn more about God. Going to church basically is between God and us. Not for the people, not to please anybody. For big churches, it is impossible to find friends whom we can relate to, therefore we need to go to a cell group, so that we have a constant group of people who can pray for us and for us to build friendships. Prayer is a powerful tool, which most of us underestimate. It is a gift that we hardly make use of. God already knows what we need or want, but He wants us to build that relationship with Him, just like how we build relationships with others.

What about reading the Bible? It is as important as going to church. Reading the Bible helps us understand God better though we cannot understand Him fully. Reading the Bible helps us to 'move on' in our knowledge, for God to speak to us, to prepare us to answer any situation, or most importantly, to understand more about life. The Bible is a great tool. I used to treat it just like other books, but when God decides to reveal more of Himself thru that book, the wisdom we receive is greater than a million gems, or a million friendships. Take it this way. For instance, we bought a complicated electronic device. We haven't a clue how it works, because we are not its maker. With this device, comes a manual for us to read and understand how it works. If we don't read the manual and just run the device by trial and error, we might discover how to use it or otherwise spoil it. Well, chances of getting into a mess is quite high. That is the same with life. We are given life to maneuver. You can throw away all philosophy books cause they are all man-made. Man are not your makers. You must be thinking right now, "Isn't the Bible man-made as well?" Now, the Bible was written in a very special way, unlike other books. It was written by people who had personal encounters with God Himself. It was written in Hebrew if I am not mistaken. This book is actually a compilation of many authors. Most of the authors lived in different centuries and their writings are translated to English by bible scholars (if I'm not mistaken). Now, the Bible was carefully placed together and the people who put these books together prayed 7 times, everytime they came across the word 'YHWH' which means 'Yahweh' today or Jesus or a referrence to God. I believe that God chose to reveal what to put in the Bible, as the bible is God-breathed. It must have taken these people ages to put the Bible together. The books in the bible are not arranged chronologically. This I do not understand why. I must say I do not have full knowledge about how the Bible was put together, but that's not the point. You could do your own research and tell me. If the Bible wasn't God-made, it would have been destroyed or forgotten. But it is the best selling book in the world till this very day. God allowed it to happen, and there must be a reason why.

Why do I mention only the bible? Because it is the only book in the world which mentions that our God is a living God, a God that cares and wants the best for us, a God who loves us as His very own. Knowing God is not enough. Those who choose to walk His way is guaranteed hardships. Hardships are caused by those who do not believe God and will do all kinds of things to put down those who do. Natural disasters and illnesses....perhaps it's time to go. When it's time to go, it's time to go. God decides when we die. Can't you see? Our life is controlled by God.

I may never walk very accordingly to God's way, but I know that in my heart, God will always be right in the end. I pay for what I sow.

Kill My Neighbour

2005-09-27T04:35:00.000-07:00

Don't you just hate neighbours that block your gate with their vehicles ALL THE TIME?! If you don't get those sort of neighbours, good for you. I have been tolerating and being nice all the time with this neighbour, asking them politely to move their car or pajeros but today, my limit is up.

You see, the roads between the houses here are very narrow, only allowing one vehicle to pass thru. Whenever I come home or am in a rush, I cannot enter my house, because this idiotic neighbour of mine will park their cars halfway at their gates and halfway at mine. I don't understand this neighbour, why they have so many cars eventhough they can park at least 2 in their home. (they have at least 4 by the way). In a way, my driving skills increase cause I have to learn to gauge the width of my car to be able to squeeze thru such an odd, narrow angle into my house.

Well, today, I asked their servant politely to call the owner of the car to repark his car. I waited there for him to come out. That bloody guy took his own sweet time, as if the world belonged to him. I told him loudly, but politely to move his car. He nodded but at the same time, making a rude face at me. He took his time to walk to his car, started his car, then came down slowly again to put something in the garden, then slowly walk back to his car, then turning to check if I was still standing there. Yes. I was. Because at that split second, anger raged thru my bloodstream and I stood there with my arms folded, glaring at him till he moved the car away. Honestly, if I had a gun I would have shot him on the spot and ask someone to tow his car away. That was how angry I got when my patience go above average.

And today, I was bullied by the guard in my company. I didn't let him.

I don't understand. Just because I'm nice or polite to people, they want to take full advantage of me. I hate it and I get that very often with men. Fuck them all. To hell they burn. I have no sympathy for people such as these. Mean people that deserve nothing. So lucky God still loves them.

Ah! I've chilled down now. What a nice relief! I have put heavy flower pots as a barrier so that anyone that parks their car in front of my house doesn't go beyond that line. If my neighbour is thick enough to remove it and continue parking like they always do, I will damage their car silently. If you are my neighbour, just don't mess with me. I may look meek and cowardly, but when my patience and temper has gone berserk, that's it. I'll do anything to destroy. Doesn't matter who you are.

Humble Me To The Core

2005-09-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

An amazing experience I had this morning. The only thing planned this morning was to drop off my aunt at the LRT station and head off to do some marketing. As I parked my car and walked towards the market, I saw a beggar, sitting at the kerb nearby a cornershop which I was going into. I thought he was insane, because he was talking to himself. However as I approached nearer, he looked at me, eye to eye and said "Hi!". I was stunned, but I replied a hi as well and continued walking. I lingered around the shop and the market, but my heart is heavy. I felt so strongly that this beggar needed the touch of humanity.

I walked past him a couple of times, but he never noticed, as he was still talking to himself, complaining about something. Then I asked God, "What is it can I do to help this man? What does he need? What will you do, Jesus if you were here?" This man doesn't need money. As I saw, he was under the influence of alcohol. If I gave him money and walked off, it's useless. He'll use the money and buy himself another drink or a smoke I don't know. I hesitated like mad, walking so many times to my car, starting the car, wanting to ignore and go home. But something prompted me to go back to him. Then I asked the Lord again, "What is it that I can do? I'm broke as well, I cannot give him a lot of money". Then it hit me that all this guy probably needs is some food and someone to talk to. I gave it a shot. I felt a bit awkward, as there were many people walking around, as it is near the marketplace. I didn't want to do this just to look good in front of the public like those pagans do.

Anyway, I scouted around the restaurant nearby to see what is convenient for him. I bought fried kuay teow, packed nicely with wooden chopsticks and took a bottle of water from my car. My knees were shaking and my heart was pounding. "Do I really want to do this?" my thoughts kept doubting. Ahh! What the heck just go and do it!

So I walked towards the guy, and he looked at me in surprise. He thanked me and accepted what I gave him. But, it wasn't enough. I felt I needed to talk to him. I sat down beside him and had a conversation. It wasn't a detail story he told me, but definitely, there's a lot of pain going inside of him, some miscommunication with his family and stuff like that. He is rebelling against someone or something by choosing to be a bum. However at the same time, he wants to look for a job. We talked for about 20 minutes. I asked him if he knew Jesus and he said yes. He's probably been preached before I don't know but I've told him I'll come and find him next Sunday and bring him to church. He doesn't even know what the day is today. I hope he'll be there, where I found him today. He let me have a look at his resume and since he had 2, I took one and his family contact number. After all that, I bid goodbye and walked off.

I feel so silly now, for taking his resume, because I don't know how to help this guy find a job. I feel limited, but God is not.

Of course many people were curious to see this young girl in a funky red specs sitting next to an outcast beggar. I felt uneasy but I kept it cool and I don't care what people think. This is a point where God really spoke to me. I'm not such a serious case myself, although I do not have much money, but there's someone else who needs it more than I do. At least, I have enough to support myself and to spend on other people, whereas this person cannot even buy anything to eat. It was God who prompted me to open my eyes. He tells me, He will provide and it is true. God has provided me all the time, not abundantly, but more than enough. I have enough to travel, enough to spend on myself, enough to show care towards others. Here's a verse from the Bible:

'I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus' - Phillipians 4: 18-19. (Words from Apostle Paul)

Sometimes, we don't really have to give material things to people to help. We don't need to be rich to help. We don't need to be adequate. We only need eyes that see, ears that hear and a heart that understands. Most of the time, all they need is a touch of compassion and humanity which they've lost a long time ago. You who are reading this, is able to do so. If your heart is prompted, especially Christians, give in. The Holy Spirit in you is calling you to a mission. Get out of your comfort zone, like Jesus did (Books Matthew, Mark, John, Luke). Do not fear what people say or judge. People are not God so why are you afraid? This is the reason why God put us here. To restore what we've lost, to bring people to Hope.

If you speak and believe Jesus, then show the world who He is; through you.

A lesson learnt

2005-09-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, my car broke down in almost the middle of the highway. Kesas, to be specific. I pulled up at a petrol station to have my car filled and as I was walking towards my car, I noticed that water was dripping from beneath. When I started my car, the needle that showed the temperature rose to 'H'. That shocked the hell of my life. (You know, being woman!)

Luckily, the petrol station had a very wide space, so I reversed my car and parked it at the side where it wouldn't block anybody. I was so tired and angry and panicky at the same time. To add on, I didn't have enough rest for the whole week and my left foot was in pain for standing almost the whole day at work. All I needed was rest and this had to happen. I called my sister and AAM (some car service thingy) for help. Both parties could only reach me within an hour, the earliest.

I just sat in my car, waiting like some idiot. Many people drove into the petrol station, but not one bothered to help or take a look at my car. I even saw a mechanic who stopped for something. I sat there with flaming tears in my eyes. (I know I sound silly, but when you're in the midst of anger, you just can't think rasionally). Suddenly, a voice asked me,"Amoi, apamacam? Kereta rosak?" I looked up and saw this calm looking Malay man. He was holding a broom and a dustpan. I just nodded my head and ignored him, cause I thought he was just being a busybody. (you know la, Malaysians are so kepo sometimes. Stop but never help one.) Then the guy asked me to open my car bonnet and he looked. But sadly, he knew nothing much about cars. He only worked at the station as a sweeper. Anyway, it was nice of him to try.

While waiting, my mind was rushing like lava in a volcano. I was so angry and I asked God why it had to happen at this day and at this particular hour, when it started to get dark. It's just not safe at all! But again, (I don't know why I seem to be able to be rasional halfway during my internal hurricane) I think that I'm quite lucky as I wasn't involved in an accident, I'm lucky that my engine didn't catch fire or anything worst could happen I don't know and I'm lucky I found the problem while I was nicely parked at a petrol station, not in the middle of the road. I'm thankful that I have a sister in KL, at least she could help me get some aid if I'm not thinking properly. While thinking about this, I noticed the sweeper sitting near my car on the kerb. He was still holding his broom and dustpan in silence. I decided to cool down and have a short chat with this guy. Maybe it isn't so bad afterall. Although he didn't do anything major to help me, I was greatly touched that there is somebody to accompany me.

Then it made me think. Sometimes, it is not those big things we do for people to be outstanding. Sometimes, human being human, we need a little time to spend with each other, a little bit of comfort, knowing that we are loved and cared for. It is not those big parties we spill for others, it is not those meals we pay for others, it is not the words we say to others, it is not the big car we drive to impress others and it is not the things we buy for others. Not many of us know how to sacrifice time for someone who needs it. Not that it'll add minutes to their time, but dampening the harshness during their time. That is the time, when someone really proves their worth to you. It's those simple things that someone does for you, things that matter most to you. When these people are not around you, then you'll realize, there's a miss somewhere.

Yeah, it really made me think.

My car is fine now by the way, (though it didn't burn my engine, it burnt a big hole in my bank account). Looks like my trip to Australia will have to be postponed, at the rate I'm saving. My dad came all the way up (5 hour journey one way) to help me out and went back the same day he came. That is another big sacrifice for me and I appreciate it so much. I cried like mad when I got home after sending him to the station. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm an adult or not.

The Torch

2005-09-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

(As you know, I've been battling depression nearly 6 years now without medication. This week all hell broke loose. I haven't been talking to God lately and I guess I forgot that hope is still there. I came to a stage where I cannot talk openly to people about the reasons of my depression, unless I come across someone who has the similar problem who can relate to me. You know how troublesome it is when people ask, "How are you?" And my answer I know, if it's not a "Fine thank you", it'll take me a long time to explain to someone what I'm going thru. So I rather keep a straight face and say "I'm fine". Another reason why I do not wish to tell people is because, I know it is a big weakness that if I'm not careful, people can use it to harm me. Now look, I'm not seeking for self-pity, but I feel more contented if I'm not probed. Also today, I came to a second where I thought of ending my life. I thought it didn't matter anymore whether I lived for another day or for another goodness knows when. I felt totally useless because I am not fully healed. When depression hits, you just don't want to see people, you just don't want to go out or talk to anybody and you don't progress well in anything you do. It is very straneous for me to pull a fake smile and talk happily to people when deep inside there's a roaring tornado. Then suddenly, I came to my senses. These thoughts don't come from God! What am I thinking? If I were useless, God would have agreed to end my life a long time ago when I asked Him to. Then I prayed while doing my laundry. While I was praying, words flow so fast like water from the tap. This little vision, that I express in my lousy poem came when I was telling God about my feelings. I am lifted again. I don't know how long more I will have to battle this, but I know that God preserves those whom He loves. He'll never let me die until I've done what He wants me to do. I got a bit upset when somebody said I'm too conservative. Because they do not understand my life or what I've seen. Well, to the heck whatever the person said, the bottomline of this is, you and I, are not useless, in anyway. Never let that eat you, because I know, it does not come from God.)

Just like you
I ran in a race
And midway in the race
A torch fell on my path

I very well knew
It was either destined for me
Pick it or leave it
I was confused

I looked around
I saw other racers
Bending over
Picking up their torches

Some of their torches
Fell onto their paths
Way before me
Or way after me
Very few
In the same level

Curiousity and want
Led me to pick up the torch
I felt it was no harm
But I was very wrong

The rule of the game
Was to complete the race
With whatever we took
Along the way

The torch I took
Was full of nails and thorns
It cut and I bled
But I am still running the race

Where the finishing line is
I do not know
I strive to look ahead
But the path grew darker each time

The torch seemed to grow
The larger it got
The more I bled
The weaker I get

I was told it needed light
And only with light
I could avoid
Knocking myself and hurting myself

I found the light
From someone ahead
My wounds are healing
While I am still running

This is my purpose
To pass this light
To another torch
That isn't bright

J

Revealed

2005-09-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting night. Attended a Christian Fellowship party, which was held in one of the student’s house. Since everyone in the room was of a new face to me, I decided to walk around and socialize finding out people’s names and what they study. I guess it was of good practice for me, as I plan to venture into the Campus Youth Ministry because I enjoy being with people around my age group, even though I mix fairly well will people of any age.

~~~~~

Met a guy named K and we cliqued instantly. I don’t know what there was so much to talk about, but I guess it’s because he is from a different country, I asked so many questions. He was a cool dude, who made jokes all the time and is really open to talk. The party was held at his place, so of course, his room was filled with many people. At one point, I was looking for somebody in his room, but it was only he. He pulled a chair and invited me to sit beside him as he fiddled around with his computer. I noticed 2 bottles of alcohol and a packet of cigarettes on his table. I couldn’t help it but to ask if he was a Christian. He looked pretty stunned and immediately said, "It doesn’t mean that if I drink or smoke, I cannot be a Christian!" Mind, I didn’t say anything about what I saw.

Then I apologized if he thought I was judging him. He explained to me that he didn’t like obsession towards anything, which he meant that he enjoys tasting a variety of things in life. He felt as if the Christians in Malaysia were very rigid, whereas in his country, people are more open to do all kinds of stuff.

K was not the only person I’ve met in my life that has the same view. I meet many people who claim they love God and they believe in Jesus and at the same time, ‘enjoying’ all sorts of things. I am not judging anybody, and I didn’t say that being a Christian, you can’t do this and that. Whatever that is created by God, is to be enjoyed by us.

~~~~~

There’s this beautiful phrase I heard from somewhere, but I cannot remember exactly how the sentence goes and who the author is. To sum it in my own words, he said that being a Christian is to be conservative and radical. Conservative to preserve the faith, radical in exercising the faith. This I totally agree, and is something I strive to do.

It is funny how the world judges Christianity. Most of the people would think being a Christian, we have to stay out of this and that to be holy. Some Christians do practice their faith religiously and some are more relaxed. I admit, I am a liberal Christian, but not very. I believe in being conservative, not because I have to but because I sought to be different. To me it makes sense, to set a life example for others to follow. I enjoy drinking alcohol, but I am wise enough to not go beyond my limit. I do not practice pre-marital sex because I believe my body is the temple that God dwells and it is unholy to do so. Tell me, what is the point of calling myself a Christian, when I do things that everybody in the world does? I do not believe in herd mentality, where you hear people say, "Oh, I do it because everybody does it". I believe that being conservative is like a disciplining tool to make sure that we are in tune with God. God gave each of us a choice which way we want to take. If we place ourselves in any form of temptation, it is easy to fall no doubt as the human flesh always thirsts for more and never ending pleasures.

~~~~~

What do you understand about holiness? Listen, I’ve always been labeled as ‘Holy’ during high school. I get upset when people think I obey God out of obligation. It is not. It is a choice I made. Most people get the wrong meaning of holiness. I used to think that being holy was being religious. However, I have learnt that anybody becomes holy, once they accept Jesus Christ into their lives because we’re spared from God’s wrath and our body have become a temple of the Holy Spirit. Holy means Clean. Holy does not mean humble or religious. Be clear with that. By God’s grace, we’re made holy.

Because our body is the temple of God, we need to protect it, take good care of it and not abuse it for our own pleasures. I am very disappointed when I read a comment made by Jessica Simpson. She said that she was made ashamed of her body when she went to church. I don’t know which church she went to but please let me have the chance to assure you that that does not come from God. If your body was created to be ashamed of, why would God bother wasting his time making us? And now, Jessica Simpson is wearing lesser clothes in her MTVs. Of course, yet again God didn’t say you can’t wear bikinis etc. And you might be saying, "It’s only a bikini so what?" But what are your intentions of wearing such clothing? Do you intend to show more skin so that you are noticeable? You are more attractive sexually so that all the guys who watch you will arouse with passion? Most likely, that is our intention. Sorry for bringing the dark into light but I hope you are with me.

~~~~~

It is never easy being a Christian. All these temptations and obsessions, food, money, sex, power are all our struggles as well. We’re human beings too. The difference is that we have faith in Somebody who can help us to keep it under control. The Bible is the manual of life. In it, it is written tonnes of advice that is for our own good. It even predicts the future, which only God chooses the people what He wants to reveal. It is very simple advice, but due to all these wanting in our hearts, all these temptations, it becomes really hard to follow. That is why, as a Christian, we need to be radical to practice our faith. Faith is action. Action means to do something outward so it can be seen. That is why we need to be an outward example. Of course, it must come naturally. One that forces outward examples when the heart does not understand God is called a fool.

~~~~~

I said I was a liberal Christian because I am very open minded. Open-minded in the sense that I accept anybody of various backgrounds, I do not discriminate, I do not hide my feelings, I do not treat anybody more or less than how they should be treated and I do not mind trying anything, so long as it does not destroy the temple in me. I often stir Christian groups due to my straight-forwardness. I like Christians to think, question and understand their faith because it’s no use to others if we ourselves don’t know what we preach. I also am not very supportive of Christian groups that play politics and Christian groups that act airy-fairy only once a week. I do not follow Christian groups that act ‘holy’ and unreal during a meeting and turning into monsters immediately when they step out of church. I believe Christianity is a life-style. It’s everyday and in everything we do or say or think.

If you are a Christian reading this, I hope it does get you thinking as well.

S.A.Tan

2005-09-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

(Going thru a very tough journey, still picking myself up, but I'm so filled with anger and disappointment therefore the process of standing up is very slow. Hmm..it sounds a bit hanging cause I don't know how to end it.)

Prince of the Earth
he is called
Left to mingle and interrupt
All of not his belonging

he is a wannabe
Of the One who created me
Taking lives, taking souls
All just to obey him

he is unhappy
When anybody is saved
he takes away
The peace that comes our way

I was walking one day
I saw His Light
I devoted myself to follow
My Creator from Above

he decided to stick out his feet
Crashing down I fall
I wish I could see him
Oh how I want to kill him

The worst part about him
he knows our weaknesses
he knows our doubts
and he wants your soul

he keeps himself in the shadows
Placing the One in the limelight
So that He will be blamed
For the things He never did

He allowed the Prince
To mingle and play
because He gave you and I
To decide on a choice today

J

My Life Story

2005-08-31T21:19:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a nice story; a real story that became my major fear in life. It was always mentioned that children, with a bad childhood, will carry those traumatic memories with them till adulthood. I never believed in it, as I always believe that it is just a passing phase in life, where it will be overcomed with time. I had an interesting conversation with my sister last night, we always talk about our childhood, but it never occured to me that it was the silent killer in my life. I came to realize it and I am not ashamed to share it with anyone, as perhaps, I am very moved to share it. I know it is stupid of me to reveal something so personal, but I believe it is a dark side that everybody has, only that they have not acknowledged it. I feel that someone out there reading this blog, needs to read this and perhaps, make them understand why he/her behaves like that. Family upbringing and friends affects our thoughts and character.

~~~~~~~~~~

I come from a partially broken family; it still is. Not physically broken, but mentally and emotionally. I cannot believe that I live in such a strange environment, after thinking it over. It is not physically broken, because we are still a family, nobody's disowned or divorced anyone, but it is mentally broken, because we do not have mutual understanding for each other. We cannot come to an agreement in ANYTHING. Everytime we're together as a whole, even for 2 simple days, we'll be screaming and shouting at each other. This is one reason why everytime friends come to visit, I feel ashamed of letting them see what environment I live in. I have very judgemental family members, every friend that steps in the house, they surely have some comments to give, but of course, not in front of my friends face. The comments are not always bad comments, but I'd rather they kept their mouth shut. Emotionally broken because we are not sensitive to each other's pain and needs. I guess, to a point where we all rather live apart from each other and only meet up once in a while. My thoughts about relationships has been distorted a long time ago, through the way my family lived, seeing how my sibblings treat their current family members, myself being in two painful relationships and also someone who kept advicing me how she preferred to remain single, regretting to be in a married life. (I hear this very often). Mind, I didn't say there is no love in the family. We love each other in very different ways, we just don't see it in our own eyes until the time we break down and cry, we value all that is done for us by our family members. That is one of the reasons why I feel for my family, I am seeing it from a third person's point of view.

~~~~~~~~~~

I consider myself abused when young, mainly my confidence. My sibblings derived joy from seeing me cry or react in fear. One clear memory was when my sisters had this toy hair-styling kit, that comes together with curlers and a hair dryer. They used me as their model, as they were trying out their new toy. To my dismay, they weren't actually trying it out, but to make me as a fool. My hair was curled outwards and it was horrendous. They all pointed fingers at me, and burst out laughing. They made me look at myself in the mirror. I think my family were about to go out to town, but I didn't want to, because I was made ashamed of myself. Thank God that my hair was fine after a wash. I think I was about 5 years old. Think of this: The feeling I had was like being stripped naked and the ones that did it, point fingers and shouting "BITCH!" in amusement. In my sub-consciousness till today, I cannot accept personal humiliation and embarassment. It brings back a past fear that I couldn't figure out what. Now I realized.

~~~~~~~~~~

I cannot stand watching horror movies mainly because of the fear I had as a child. My sibblings didn't want me to exit from a bedroom, so they used my mother's old rag doll, which was almost as tall as I am. The worst part of it, the doll had this expressionless face and thick, curly brown hair. It wore this white polka dot blue dress. I was told that if I ever step out of the room, this doll will come after me. So, they placed this doll lying across the entrance of the door. I think I could have been younger than 3. I stiffed with fear. I clutched a small bolster on the bed and stared at the doll. It didn't work for long, as I did a long jump over the doll. Bolted towards my mother, with tears streaming down my cheeks. Besides the doll, there was this movie which I cannot remember the title, and that part, the most gruesome part was played over and over by my sibblings and they forced me to watch. The scene goes like this: A man was being sucked into this door that leads to hell. He caught hold of someone else (must have been his friend), trying to drag himself out of that void. His body was hanging halfway between the door. Suddenly, the door of hell decided to shut itself, and it sorta..chopped the guy's body in half. He fell down and rolled aside. He was screaming with pain. He fell to an angle where you could see his intestines and whatever those gross things were, and it was MOVING!!!! UGHHhhhh!!! I always cried and hugged my bolster, while my sibblings had a fun time laughing at me. Maybe that is why I feel sick at the sight of blood, except I don't understand why it arouses my hunger if it were animal blood. Hmm..that has to be led from somewhere which I cannot remember!

~~~~~~~~~~

Eventhough sometimes I think I had it all, obstacles just fall on my path without warning. I don't know but I realize that I've always been a threat to many. I admit, I receive many blessings from God, I'm someone blessed with multiple talents, but due to fear, I never dared to venture or strengthen my talents. If my very own flesh and blood distorted my confidence, what more my peers. I find that when I received favour in the eyes of men, some friends would do anything, to step on me to receive it. I'm a victim of brutal bitches and politics in highschool. Friends I knew since 7 showed their true colours when we were 17. It all happened when there was greed for positions in clubs. Meetings were held silently to destroy another member's plan (within the same committee, can you believe it?! That is why I hate politics). I cannot understand why is there so much jealousy. People are never happy and secure with what they have, and always covet their neighbour's belongings. But I thank God that I am a very very tough person, eventhough I may break down for some time, I am always able to pick myself up and walk again. That explains why I am so careful with the people I choose to hang out or talk to. They are like wolves, waiting to devour, waiting to snatch anything that belongs to me. I feel it even stronger eversince I started working. :) People just love taking opportunities of others.

~~~~~~~~~~

I also have close friends that I thought were trustworthy, but indirectly, they do things which slowly ate through my bones. That includes gossip about someone, it will affect another person's opinion of one being bad-mouthed. Including one very close friend, I entrusted her with my feelings towards a boy, and she humiliated me in front of everyone else. Besides, this girl discouraged me from going out with somebody because he is such and such. But the pot calls the kettle black. She is now going out with someone, of the same kind that I wanted to go out with. Of course, when she asked my opinion, I gave her back what she told me and she couldn't accept my words. She lives in a world of denial till today. Since then I knew, it is not wise to share my love life problems or whatever I feel towards anybody, no matter how close they are to me. Now I understand why Gin May told me, it is more comforting to keep your feelings to yourself.

~~~~~~~~~~

There are many other incidences which I cannot recollect all at once. However, to sum it up, that is why I always have this ideal thought in my mind, what a family I always long to have, how it should be. I always hope that each time, my family are together, there'll be a time when we just enjoy each other without having to shout or yell at, that is a very rare occasion. Some of my family members do not realize they deny God. I hope they come to see that whatever they receive is a blessing from Him, and not of their own doing. I always hope that their bitterness and pain will not be passed on or thrown at someone else, but to settle it between God and them. They are a stubborn lot that will never listen to any other person's opinion and only rely on what they think.

Friends, I don't know what to say, but sometimes, without realizing, they can subtlely bring down your confidence and steer your direction of choice towards theirs. Because I've been through so much, I am very trained to see through body language, words and facial expressions. It is enough to tell me of one's motives. That includes people who fake their expressions.

Now you can understand why I'd prefer to be alone and why this eccentric behavior of mine. This pain has not healed, as I never really thought about it being a factor that triggers fear in me. I haven't said a sincere prayer to God in a long time. This time was about how much pain and vulnerable I was. I took the step to strip myself bare before God. I know I need His help because I cannot do it alone.

My Wanderer

2005-08-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

(I wonder...is this too much to ask for?)

His eyes speaks of faithfulness
I will know it when I see
His eyes longs for me
I will know it when I see
His eyes tells me
He sees my colours of truth
I will know it when I see
His eyes sparkle with love
I will know it when I see

His voice gentle when he talks
I will know it when I hear
His voice still softens in the crowd
I will know it when I hear
His voice speaks the Word of truth
I will know it when I hear
His voice offers comfort
I will know it when I hear
His voice, makes me laugh till I cry
I will know it when I hear
His voice calms and does not judge
I will know it when I hear
His voice, promises that never break
I will know it when I hear

His hands, never lifted against me
I will know it when I touch
His hands, touches near boundaries
I will know it when I touch
His hands, gently caress,
Does not hurt nor scar
I will know it when I touch
His hands, helps without being asked
I will know it when I touch
His hands, bears my burdens when I fall
I will know it when I touch

His heart, white as snow
I will know it when I feel
His heart, filled with wisdom
I will know it when I feel
His heart, filled with love
I will know it when I feel
His heart, deals and acknowledges pain
I will know it when I feel
His heart, stable and unbreakable
I will know it when I feel
His heart, builds respect of many
I will know it when I feel
His heart, the place of my whole-hearted trust
I will know it when I feel
His heart, believes me more than I do
I will know it when I feel
His heart, has the same source of strength
I will know it when I feel

Where are you,
I cannot find you
In brambles and the wild
In cities and countries
I cannot find you

I will wait
Even if it means forever
I will wait
I will not settle for second

I will wait
Till I see you
Till I hear you
Till I touch you
Till I feel you

Maybe not in this lifetime

J

Malaysia

2005-08-22T02:09:00.000-07:00

Funny. Don't know since when I had this patrioticism in me. Not to the max, but I have developed a love for the country I was born in through some pondering (since when my mind ever stops anyway?!). After being overseas, I knew how much I would miss, if I never came home.

If you realize, we Malaysians are not so patriotic about our own country. Basically because we have some political issues due to the high percentage of 3 different races, the Malays, Chinese and Indians. Most people in overseas get very confused when we say, "I'm chinese, or "I'm indian", as we do not say, "I'm malaysian". Malaysian is not a race. In fact, I don't really know why, but I guess it's just the name of the country we live in. By the way, I'm chinese Malaysian. My grand dad came from China during the war with Japan. Many chinese fled to Malaysia then if I'm not mistaken. Well, I won't say much about history, cause my history sucks. Indians however, were brought in by the British. Without the British, we're nothing. They helped to develop our country then.

Every Malaysian you meet, well, most of them, we don't seem to have this passion for our country, as much as others do, like the Japanese, Korean and those from South America. I've seen some of these other races hang their own flags in their rooms (back in uni days). The difference with that is, I have several Malaysian friends who hang other countries' flags in their rooms, back here in Malaysia. Isn't that strange?

I guess we Malaysians need to look deeper in our own country. In fact, there are so many things that we have, many other countries don't. I've learnt to value what I have eversince I was 'thrown' to Australia (hahahaa!). Let me share with you what I missed so much while I was away in the great southland.

I missed the nights when we could just drive out at 12 midnight to a mamak shop to have a drink and have indian food. (Mamak, by the way, is a mix between indian and malay and they sell excellent food..my fav food here in Malaysia). You CANNOT get mamak anywhere else in this world. It's a big culture here, people of all ages, but mainly the young. Mamak shops stay open till wee in the morning, say 4 am. It's really a good place to go, as sometimes you just want a relaxing, quiet night where you don't need to dress up for. You can even go there in PJs! (only mad people like me do that cause I was literally dragged out of bed once to join my friends). Mamak shops are open like EVERYWHERE here in Malaysia. Speaking about food, there are endless shops that sell food, so if you're lazy to cook, they are just available, anywhere, anytime. It's not expensive. In fact, it is cheaper to eat outside than at home here in Malaysia. If I had any foreign friends visiting, mamak will be the first place I would love to bring them there. Check out the real night life in Malaysia. You'll love it and Malaysia is no place to lose weight. :P

It's only the unnecessary stress that makes one thin. Well...it applies to me!

Racism is everywhere, anywhere in this world. However in Malaysia, it's amazing how we've grown to accept each other's culture and believes eventhough sometimes we get annoyed by one another. We are, I believe, one of the most civilised people in the world, like doing stupid things to other races. Either I'm living in a world of my own, but as far as I've travelled and stayed in Malaysia, we are very open-minded people in the sense that we accept anybody, most of the time in our cliques. We don't disclude people if we know them as our friends. Only the childish people cannot accept other cultures and races, which are a minority thankfully! I could say, our country's pretty complicated, as we have different types of educational background which is the main base of our mentality. We have the english/malay ed, chinese ed and the tamil ed (ed for educated). I happen to fall into the english/malay ed, which mean in school, our subjects are conducted mainly in Malay and English. Other languages are not encouraged to be spoken in school premises. As for the chinese ed, they learn everything in mandarin, likewise for tamil, everything's in tamil if not mistaken. Eventhough I'm chinese, I don't really hang out with the chinese ed students, because our mentality, our conversation are based on different interests, the depth of a conversation etc. See? It's amazing how different we are in thinking, but we all can still live harmoniously. It's a lot of giving and taking. It's also got to do with family upbringing. My parents are very open with other cultures and races (except my mother..she..umm..can't really stand one particular race but not to a point of hatred). I hang out with Dad quite a fair bit, so he is very ambitious when it comes to meeting people or tasting their food. :) I'm glad to 'receive' this openness from my Dad. Dad treats everyone equally. I did honestly, have a bit of problems with the chinese ed students, but the fiasco has been cleared up. I'm now working with chinese ed students, and we clique pretty well because we share one thing in common - disgusting, morbid dark humour. I'm surprised that chinese ed could produce such people as well...hahahaa! I'm happy! No complains! :D

I miss the people. There's this mutual understanding when you share problems with Malaysians. Maybe because we've been through hard life (well, most of us did! I don't know about rich spoilt brats) and we've learnt to accept and go thru it. Therefore we are able to related our problems to others. I found it super hard to relate or tell my problems to people from other country, eventhough we've talked and mixed for ages. It's just different. Cause we are of different background and they cannot understand my feelings.

Alcohol is not necessarily always present at gatherings or meeting up with friends. Usually most of the time. We don't have to have that kind of fun. We have heaps of things to do here, because there is so much night life here. After long working hours, most people hang out at night. Many places are open besides bars or pubs, so we can do anything we want.

In any home you step in, mums would usually stuff you with food. Trust me. I've seen it happen in my own home, my best buddy's home, and any other people I've visited. Whenever I have any friends over at my home, for the guest, they are most most welcomed if they accept at least a drink. Any kind of drink, Milo, Coffee, Tea..just...whatever. Made on the spot. If I told my mum 4 people were coming, she will cook for at least 20. I feel sorry for my friends, they try their hardest to finish whatever that was cooked. Mum would quickly make spring rolls on the spot while we are catching up in the hall. One time, I stayed at my best friend, Sim's house and her grandmum and mother fed me till I ballooned up. Gosh..and that was only two weeks. I couldn't imagine what I'll look like if I stayed a year. As for my other best buddy, Tzai Tzin a.k.a. Roger, I'm always welcomed to his home for dinner. His maid will cook a portion for me and I'll be having dinner with his whole family. So strange, but they are really really nice to me. So...don't worry about food when you come here. It's our culture. We eat. All the time. Thank God for my high metabolism. Otherwise...

Oh yes. One outstanding thing about Malaysians is that we can complete a sentence that sounds perfect in 3 or more different languages. Usually with english, malay, hokkien, mandarine or cantonese. Some english words are 'malayfied'...and sometimes when we forget a word, we substitute it with a malay word (if we are talking english that is!). Whatever the combination. It's funny and I think if you are from a different country, you have to stay here for a longgg time to understand what we talk. One famous phrase would be, "Cuba try lah". This sentence doesn't really make sense cause 'cuba' means try in malay. So if I translate it directly, it means, "Try try lah". Oh...the word 'lah'...just a form of expression, I cannot explain how or when we use it. It's a malay word. It is normally used to 'soften' our sentence if it were meant to be harsh, like "Don't be rude lah". I'm so used to talking with added languages to my sentence, that I do not even notice it. Once, I was asked to read a math equation in class, and I read something like, "One plus dua sama dengan three!" Which means, 'One plus two equals to three'. My teacher made me repeat that sentence till I myself noticed I was reading in funny language. I think I read it like 5 times to get it right, the teacher still didn't say anything. Hahahaa! Dad wasn't too happy when I talk like that at home. He would always snap at me and because of being fearful of his 'snapping' (Dad scares me heaps sometimes!), I learnt to be more conscious of my speech. I guess it was good training, otherwise the Aussies won't understand me.

Well okay, that's about what I can do for now. If I think of something new, I will update this posting. Yeah, I love my culture! :D We're weird and always think of food. Hahahaa!!

Relationships, Sex and Marriage

2005-08-18T01:56:00.000-07:00

Whoa...Since when I started 'preaching' about this issues? Actually, this big issues came to mind about 4-5 years ago. The thing with me is that, I'll never jump into something I'm uncertain of. That goes with sex. During our teenage years, often we think we fully understand what sex is about but I admit, I don't. I only thought it was just passion and lust. I know it's something to enjoy, but I had the peace of mind to not get involved in it as if there was a bigger meaning to it. Sex is a human desire. All human beings go through that, it's normal, as we are made to be sexual beings. Anyway, I started thinking about it seriously when I was challenged by someone, who had sex before marriage. She told me these exact words, "I bet when you go to Australia, you will start sleeping around. It's the norm. You are too conservative". Honestly, I was pissed because this person did not respect my limits. Then a guy friend asked me if I would have pre-marital sex. So, this whole issue is related to each other and I'll try my best to explain what I've understood, after many months of thinking. (I think this is the hardest thing I've ever tried explaining but I'm always open to talk about it. I don't know why I get a lot of people asking me about this issue, as if I were a pro in it. So here, in this posting, I hope it can answer some questions or open some awareness. When I was thinking this over, there's so many loopholes. Yet again, I'm not a pro, but I'll do what I can. Mind, when I mention 'sleep around', it refers to sex out of marriage, just an easier phrase to use.)

~~~~~

There's a lot of meaning to sex. I get annoyed when people have this thinking that sleeping around or having sex before marriage is an 'in' thing. To me, they have violated the its beauty. Well, why can't it be fun without having sex before marriage? Isn't there other kind of fun? Isn't it sad that their enjoyment in life was limited to something that begun consuming them. I'll go through that in a while as well, how it can consume you. It's a kind of greed. You'd probably know it earlier, but it didn't strike your mind how much damage it could cost if it is practiced wrongly.

~~~~~

God is awesom. He made us in such a way that we could enjoy sex. (I cannot answer for those who have penetration problems cause I haven't thought of that!) Sex was not only made for reproducing, but also allowing us to have intimacy with our partner within the walls of marriage. Something to be enjoyed as a married couple and not OUT of marriage. In fact, I believe that one of the biggest role in a strong, healthy marriage is communicating sex. Well, why do I say that? Because it builds more trust and understanding between partners as it is already the most private thing to talk or discuss about! I'm not married, so I don't want to talk about this till I ever get there. Hahaha! But that is what I understand about why God allowed us to have this element in marriage. It also has to do with having intimacy with Him. Not that God wants to have sex with us, but He desires a deep and close relationship with Him, just like how we can confide and have that sort of trust with our partners. (that is another deep topic so I'll skip that)

~~~~~

Now, let me tell you what happens if sex is practiced outside a marriage. I like using this 'description' I heard in many talks about sex and relationships. I remembered someone passing around a chewing gum. From the speaker, to the next person, it went thru the hands of many and finally passed back to the speaker herself. During the time it was passed from one person to another, the gum fell on the ground (mind you, it's been removed of its wrapping), someone licked it, it was bent and all sorts of hands with different hygiene touched it. Would you want to eat it in the end? Sleeping around is like that. The person is like the chewing gum. Or rather, I would also describe the person as a used plaster.

Our body is made in the image of God (if you read the book of Genesis, it will tell you that) and our bodies are meant to be the temple of God. God cannot dwell with sin, for you yourself know that God is holy, and holiness cannot accept sin. God is perfect. The reason why God tells us NOT to have sex before marriage is basically for our own good. People who have sexual sin doesn't mean they do not have a chance of repentance. Prevention is better than cure. Prevention of what?

~~~~~

I observe friends/relatives that had sex before marriage. In their downest moments, sometimes they cannot help it but share with me how much regret they had for that. Earlier on I mentioned that sex is really intimate. That's the closest one could get to anyone. I believe that when one goes through a relationship, there's an emotional bond that holds them (d'oh). I've read a book about relationships, and it mentions that when one starts being physical, it will go on and on..and it never stops. First could be holding hands, then slowly proceed to kissing...etc I don't want to go on with that. Of course, the deeper it gets, the stronger the bond becomes. It is hard to free oneself from that bond, especially if it already has reached a sexual level. What happens, if that relationship doesn't turn out the way it was suppose to be? The person is suddenly broken from the strings that were once attached, they feel lost and they long to return to where they were. All that pleasure! It becomes difficult for one to start anew with someone else. No matter how happy people are with their new partners, I can bet you when they go through the stages of the relationship, the old memories will haunt them. Besides health as well of course...all that AIDS and STDs..bla bla. I'm sure you're aware of that. Even though those people get married to their 'new' partners, they will always tend to compare with the past. The marriage will not be really easy though...not that all marriages are easy moving but this is just an added problem isn't it? I don't know but I noticed this similar trait in people who sleep around, they have this emptiness that they are always seeking to fill, but as usual, looking at the wrong places. Sex is fun, but it can NEVER fill one up. You can have sex without love, and you can love without sex. Depends which is more important to you. The Bible only tells us what we can do to avoid unnecessary pain, it only relies on us what choice we make and we bear the consequences.

~~~~~

Marriage is one big topic in the Bible. It explains to us how husbands and wives are to be submissive to one another. Not the woman leading the marriage, nor the man, but I believe, both must lead together at the same level. It means that you have given your vow to God to love that person and stay committed for the rest of our lives. Unless one partner dies, he or she is allowed to marry again. God forbids us to divorce, no matter how shitty the marriage gets. That part I am yet to understand, but it just shows me how solemn and serious marriage is, not to fool around. I guess that eventhough how tough the marriage seems, God will open doors if we look carefully and there are always possible ways of mending a marriage. It all boils down to communication problems. Sounds easy to say, but when you really want to work something out, it is possible, by all means.

~~~~~

About relationships, I am very bad in this area. Firstly, since I already visioned an idealistic marriage, I have set my mind to look for that kind of person who can help make it last. Read carefully, I didn't say the 'one and only'. There is no 'right' person or 'perfect match' in this world, or what we always hear, 'the other half' or 'I am not complete without you'. NONSENSE!We are made complete. We came to earth alone, we leave the world alone. If God made the One and Only person for you, what happens if he or she dies before you meet him/her? That means you have to stay single forever? Hahaha! So sad isn't it? No, God has thought that over for us before we knew it. LOL! I take relationships very seriously. Once I am not interested, I cut it off. I don't enjoy flirting along, leading the other person because it will only break the other person. I am not that cruel. I don't know about you, but I am honest and it's not easy to tell one that you are not interested. Till today, I haven't met someone I'm truely comfortable with. I know we face so much temptations, we cannot rely on our own ability to stop. We can only rely on God. So I cannot say much about relationships however, I believe it is as important as marriage is. It's a commitment, you and I choose to love that someone.

~~~~~

Basically, I can go on and on about this issue, but for now, this is in general, what I would usually tell everybody. I would love to go on, but I think it's too heavy to digest, this topic and I believe not many will agree with me. I still make my stand anyway, anywhere I go. The thing that was keeping me there is the Holy Spirit. Without it, I would have long jumped into bed with someone.

I seriously don't know what's gone with my mind lately.

Hair Affair

2005-08-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

I had a very interesting weekend. This I can't wait to talk about. I met a trichologist (someone who studies about human scalp and hair). As you know, I've been a hair-freak since....goodness, I can't remember when! Well, it was quite an experience meeting this trichologist, her name is Rozzana Chung, I believe, is the only practicing trichologist in Malaysia. She wrote a book called 'Healthy Hair', which she gave to my sister and I after consulting her.

The reason why I went to a trichologist is hoping to end my scalp and hair misery or find answers to aid my problems. You see, I have a very sensitive scalp. It is often inflamed if you look carefully, there's always patches of red and it causes itchiness. I have bad reactions towards all the shampoos I've used in my life, except the one I used from Healthy Life (Australia). The itchiness is so bad that I have this tendency of scratching my scalp in my sleep unconsciously till it bleeds. I always thought it was the shampoo problem, but I've learnt more from Rozzana, though I was hoping to have more time to ask her questions. She seemed so busy and it looks like she didn't have time to entertain our questions.

Rozzana first ran a scan through my scalp and it was magnified through a DVD player. It was quite disgusting looking at my scalp at an almost microscopic point of view, as if I were a little bug walking along the scalp. I could see how greasy it was (yup, oil floating everywhere!) and some hair were thicker in diameter and some were really thin.

This is what I learnt about my scalp. The oil glands on my scalp are overproducing, thus clogging up the entrance where the hair grows. Some clogged the pore till no hair could grow (that's a sign of balding by the way). Once a hair drops off and isn't replaced, it can never be revived unless you're willing to pay a bomb to do a hair transplant. Now, the reason why some of my hair is thin and thick is due to the root in the scalp. It is slowly drifting away from blood vessels, therefore, there are less nutrients going into the hair. The entrance becomes thinner, thus the hair. It is not a good sign, but if I took early precautions, that root could be saved - here's what she recommeded me to do. To go for a scalp cleansing session and then rub some tonic on my scalp (affected areas only). 3 doses a week. One dose costs RM75, and in my case, I need to go for 12 weeks. I am really upset, cause I don't even earn that much at the moment. Plus, I'm saving for a trip next year, which I postponed this year. I reckon it's a good thing to do, as I've detected for hair loss at a young age. I'm still thinking about it though. It's too expensive altogether! But yet again, would I be able to bear being bald in future? It's really ugly.

My scalp is dreadfully oily, I believe caused by emotional stress and plus the hormone medication I'm taking currently for my acne. Rozzana adviced me to stop my hormone pills, as it may be helpful for one thing, but it will cause a problem for another part of my body, and perhaps, suffering right now would be the scalp. I've learnt from Rozzana's book that male hormones causes dryness in the scalp. Therefore, the tablets I'm taking are female hormones, it is overproducing oil, though it has helped my face a LOT!

Sometimes, we get this white hard tiny stuff on our scalp especially when we scratch. It is often confused with dandruff or product build-ups. I'm not sure, but in my case, I went to several saloons and they told me stuff like, "Oh, you have dandruff problem". It's so terrible that the hairdresser scares you with such comments and then they push you to buy expensive products from them. I hate those kind of people. When I asked Rozzana, she told me it was keratinase or something like that, which means dead cells. Those dead cells were not removed, so they cling around the hair, near to its root. It's a myth that we should not wash our hair daily. It is just like bathing. Our scalp needs to be cleansed as well from dead cells. Accumulation of dead cells and oil causes bacteria to grow, that's how we get hair odour. Rozzana adviced me to wash my hair daily, using a shampoo that doesn't have strong perfume, as I have allergies to it. That was her assumption, but I will give her shampoo a try (oh yes, she makes her own shampoo too!). Currently I am using a Natural Shampoo from Australia. It is hard to find pure shampoo here in Malaysia. I don't believe those ads anymore. Shampoo ads from hell (quoted from Abraham). :P

You know that phrase where they say it's normal to lose 50-100 hair a day? In this case, not for Asians, as we have lesser hair follicles compared to Caucasians. If we asians look that amount per day, we will get bald! So Rozzana gave a range, which is 20-30 strands a day. A strand of hair lives from 2-6 years. Once it drops, an immediate replacement comes. Therefore in my case, or most people's cases, the rate of hair dropping is higher than its replacement. You can tell if you have hair loss. Just look in the mirror and take another mirror and look all around the back and the top. If your hair parting is wide and the back part of the head (ending of a parting) is quite sparce, that means you most likely are suffering from hairloss.

According to Rozzana's book, Healthy Hair, hair resembles our overall health. If we are really healthy inside, our hair should be healthy too. It is our indicator. Interestingly, Rozzana introduced my sister and I to some urine test kits, which will tell us about our general well-being. It detects the free radicals in our body. By the way, Rozzana does consulting for overall wellness too. She explains that free radicals are those oxygen atoms which goes around killing cells. When cells die, and when a lump of dead cells are present, that is what we call, cancer. So she was explaining that most people 'look' healthy now, but when they don't take care of their health, what they eat, exercise, the body deteriorates at an early age. We may be 20 or 30 years old, but inside, our body is actually 50. I am quite bothered about this issue at the moment. It is very disturbing.

That is an ugly truth I found out during the weekend. I need to take my health seriously and so do you. I have a lot more to talk after reading her book, but at the mo, I have no time as I have much work to do.

Bliss (for a friend who portrays true beauty)

2005-08-11T01:36:00.000-07:00

(Maz, you're an inspiration. Thank you is never enough. To me you are someone very beautiful and lovely. Always laughing which affected quite a lot of people including the bus driver. Maybe you never knew this before, but you've brought me back to whom I used to be. You've helped me search the true 'me' back. I've learnt to look at the positive side of people because you've always been like that. Even made me learn to laugh at myself. You never embittered me in anyway and never done things to glorify yourself, but to always lift those around you to a better place. It's your gift. I thank God for that. Continue to stay beautiful, remain the way you are. Wisdom does not rely on age. It's quite a dodgy poem, but I hope it'll bring back some memories. Can't wait to see you soon!)

For the Retard:

All my life
I wandered in darkness
Thinking I reached the light
But always dims midway

Looking through the fence
I believed I will never get
To the greener side
I mourn and cry
How I longed to taste
Wholeness..fullness..
The complete me
I've lost in my life

She came unannounced (Literally, Maz! Punching that balloon right in my face!)
The girl that brings warmth
Her presence can be heard
Miles from wherever you stand
Because her laughter
Like a kookaburra

Within weeks
Like a lost sister of mine
Two girls tearing the town
Meeting Robin weekly
Whom was so confused

By our 'constant' shopping

Her heart is made of gold
Saw the best in me
Lifted me up since MYC
Ran the race with me
The long hang-out times
And endless phone calls

Attracts the lost
She does not know
How much she bloomed
Those around her
She'll never know
How special she is to me

She is dearly loved
By my Father
Always has and always will
May He reward her
According to what she did
To save me and others
From going downhill

From the Ratface

Tragic Traffic

2005-08-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

One's patience is always tested when on the road. Every morning on the way to work and every evening on my way back, I'm always battling with anger in the car. I really love driving, especially when there's challenges. I love speed and it relaxes me, with loud music in my car, the best thing in the world. It's only certain things that disturbs my concentration on the road. Let me share with you the 'characteristics' which annoy me.

Problem no.1: Road is divided to at least 2: the fast lane(right lane), and the slow lane (left lane). There are some people who think the road was made by their grandfathers, so they have the right to take a cruise on the road ssssslllllooooowwwwwwwwwwwllyy.

Problem no.2: Massive lorries pounding inches behind you when you ARE at the slow lane. What do you expect me to do? Create another left lane? This I don't understand why they can't overtake me on the right if they want to go fast.

Problem no.3: Drivers that zoom into your lane without signalling, make you jump with fright as you suddenly see this flying object beside you, might make you swerve your car. I had a 'fight' with a lorry driver, as he tried to bully me on the road. I tried overtaking him but in the end I let go and honked him to death, with an immediate reaction of flashing my middle finger at him right at his face. Hmm...not cool. That would be my first and last time.

Problem no. 4: Drivers that don't give way to you even though you've signalled for quite some time and inching your way out. I don't see how much difference does it make if one car overtakes them. It's just so selfish.

Problem no.5: Drivers that stare at you while your car is stationary. I don't know why people do that, it's quite disturbing if you were in my shoes.

Problem no.6: Ladies and gents, the most annoying would be The Back seat and Front seat drivers. I dislike people yelling in my car, "BECAREFUL!!", "LOOK THERE'S A CAR BESIDE YOU!", "AHHHH!!!" (then close their eyes). Do you know that that could increase the chances of getting into an accident? Sometimes I feel like just dropping the person at the side of the road and tell them, "Walk home yourself". Loved one or not loved one, it still annoys me. One tip if you happen to take a ride from me, is to look straight ahead on the road. Not the sides, not the back cause you are not the co-driver. You can't do anything except pull the hand brakes. I'm the driver, I'm in control of my car, I gauge the size of my car very well and I'm confident on the road. I'm only a chicken if I'm driving someone else's car.

Moral of the story is, I don't know. I still love driving. It's exciting. Hahahahaaa!

So many things

2005-08-10T02:09:00.000-07:00

(All the things I'm thinking of in the duration of 5 minutes)

So many things I want to do
So many promises I made
Cannot remember all
I just let them go

So many goals
So many dreams
Shaky, goes my knees
WhenI think of them

Headache....oh headache headache HEADACHE!!!
Don't know where to start

It must be the haze
Hazy outside
Cloudy my mind
Insane I become
With this tension in my neck

Doubting doubting doubting...
I miss you boy
I'm coming back soon

I want to scream
I want to fly
I want to play with fire
but I know I'll die

Maybe I'll just go to sleep
Home I come
5.30pm?

HOME I GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J

Work AGAIN???

2005-08-09T19:01:00.000-07:00

I just realized I never shared about what my working life was like. This could be a really boring topic but I'll try my best to make it interesting.

When we hear the word 'work', we screw up our faces, drag our feet, pout our mouth, questioning in our minds why do we have to work bla bla.. and sulk by ourselves, hoping we don't have to do the job after all. Haha! Waste of energy cause that never works. I've tried it. Only worsen my day.

I tend to go speechless when people ask me, "How do you like your job?". It's definitely not an easy question, and I don't understand why I myself enjoy asking people that question. But slowly, after speaking to a few elderly people and friends, I discovered the value behind this question.

First things first, my job, as a Quality Control Technician isn't exactly the most happening job in the world. It isn't the toughest either. Any Tom, Dick and Harry could handle it. I was, at first quite disappointed with what I was doing, as it is very routine thing. Smell, test and tastes flavours or raw materials. The first month was a great thing for me, to do such stuff. But then as time went by, I no longer look forward to work. I felt I was doing it just for the sake of earning money. Meaningless.

One night, I decided to talk this matter to my cell group leader, Lily Wong. She's been working for many more years than I did so I thought it'll be good to get some advice from her. You know, all of us always have this expectation in mind that the company will hold our hands and guide us through everything we do. No. That's ideal though, but no. I believe some companies do have that kind of program, which is good but not many companies have that time or people to help us. Most of the time, we're thrown into the deep end and we need to fish ourselves out. That's the reality of working life. Of course, I've exaggerated but you know what I mean.

Anyway, I told Lily that I was so down with my job and I don't seem to learn anything. Her reply was that in order to grow and learn in a company, we need to set little goals for ourselves. If nobody is free to teach us (most likely to happen), we need to put in our own effort to move on. For example, in my position, I can make it a point to learn to recognize each aroma of each flavour by smelling and tasting without having to look at the labels. This is called sensory evaluation. It's a skill that can only be picked up after years of experience. Right now, I'm trying really hard to describe their smell. So anyway, I took that effort to concentrate on tasting and smelling, even seek knowledge from a senior member in our company. I ask a lot of questions regarding the chemicals that are used in our flavours, go online and do my little research about one major component in our flavours. (It takes time to be hardworking and determined to research something on your own, so I'm moving pretty slow in that!) At least I see one achievement is that my tongue is trained to be more sensitive. It still needs improvement.

My dad I believe, has a lot of dreams for me. Dad was a ladder climber, so was his brother. They were both big bosses in their renowned companies. Dad came from a very poor family and he lived in big debts for a few years after getting married. He wasn't even able to complete his studies, I think only till his LCE (SPM) or Year 12. Then he worked really really hard. I'm a very blessed child as my dad does not simply spend the money he earned. His hard life made him appreciate every single thing he had. Same thing goes with Mum. Listening to their stories motivated me and gives me the ooommph to work hard and I don't want to disappoint them. You know why I say I'm fortunate? Cause Dad was able to support 4 children and even sent each one of us overseas for studies and all of us completed our Uni. I wanted to do one more year in Australia, but I knew it was straining on Dad's savings. I could if I wanted to, but I don't want to give a hard life for my parents, as they are already retired and old. So I came home. Dad and Mum are my motivation in work, and being hardworking. When I feel lazy, all I need to do is just to think of them and remembered how much they earned for me to go this far. Therefore, eventhough my job is not the most happening job in the world, I'm still thankful I'm able to work and support myself, without hanging on to my parents savings. Listen, if your parents are having a hard time supporting you, I hope that you realize it and see it with your own eyes and heart. If you are still studying, the best thing you can do is to cut down on your expenditure, perhaps find a part time job, take good care of yourself and STUDY SMART! It's not cheap to redo a whole semester you know. And neither does it help if you keep whining about financial burdens without lifting a finger.

Dad is the main person I turn to when I have problems in work or interviews. He gives me very practical advice which helps me 'come back down to earth' (you know..we can be too ideal sometimes!). It'll be good to have someone elderly to talk to who has gone through tough situations in working life and has taken action to work on it.

The other person I admire when in terms of work is Jason Tong. My cell leader during CF days. Character matters. Jason has this quality in him which he takes effort to mentor the younger people. I really like that. Even though at times he feels tired or lazy, he will still get out of it and stay focused. When he knows you are having a hard time, he'll make it all the way to meet you, talk things casually over lunch or tea. He is like a shepherd. I mentioned briefly about my heartaches about work and he said something that got me thinking.

"What is it that you look for in work? What are your priorities? What do you think God wants you to do at your workplace?" That is something I never thought of. Is it money? Is it status? Does God really want to hear how much I earned? Well, money is important in the sense that it is able to support your basic needs. I would say in KL, you can still easily survive with RM1800. Why do we need more money than that? Even if we earned more, it would never be enough if we kept spending. Of course, it would be a blessing if we received more, we would be thankful for that. But is it really necessary to climb and search for more? What happens if I'm a tycoon and one day I just died? What happens to the money? Yeah I know it could be used in charity or pass it to a loved one, but is that all about working? All the time it's about money? If I kept climbing the ladder till the highest rail, where do I go then? Jump to another job and keep climbing ladders? It'll never end. Maybe I didn't argue so well about this issue, cause I find it hard to put it in words.

This thinking has led me to change my purpose in work. My priorities are not money, and status but more about how many relationships I can build and how many people I can impact (not the romance kind of relationship by the way). You can't deny that in the working world today, humanity is lost. This is the need I see in every workplace. We forget that we are human beings. We forget we need rest and time for the people we love. We forget that we are not perfect. We forget we need God (Oh yeah! you'd be surprised that you can find God at your workplace if you've invited Him to come). We even forget or don't bother speaking to the person in the next cubicle. Climbing the ladder and earning lots is great, but remember, more time in work is demanded of you, more stress for you too. It's bad for the health. I've heard of many people dying at mid 30s due to work stress. I'm not gonna die for my work, no way!

Let me tell you about how God came into my working life. I prayed to Him for a job that I will enjoy and is suitable to my character. Lo and behold, this QC job came by, and at the right time, when I was feeling very negative at my previous job (not because of the people, but the nature of the job didn't suit me). I didn't ask for a stress-free condition and a higher pay, but God gave me that cause He knew, the level of stress I could handle and that I need a bit more to support myself. True enough, all of these fell into place beautifully. I went through a lot of silly nonsense applying for this job, that I almost gave up. But now when I look back, if I didn't grab this opportunity, I wouldn't know how much I would be missing. During the days when I was feet-dragging, I decided to give God a shot. I prayed and ask for strength and that I won't feel so angry about work. Guess what? It worked! God is amazing. I don't feet-drag anymore. I don't look at my work in anger. It was a sudden, fresh attitude towards work. The feeling is great. So whenever I don't feel so up to work in the morning, I just say a quick prayer at I leave my house.

So back to the question, "Do you like your job?"..Hmm...I won't say I love it, but I have learnt to look at it in a more positive manner.

Okay, while typing this my work sort of piled up a little so I better get back at it.

Flower Power

2005-08-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

Flowers, flowers. What's the first thing that comes to your mind? For me it's the phrase 'useless gift' as they die within hours. Isn't that true? When you have flowers uprooted, they dry and turn really ugly, all shrivelled up. That is why I never had a 'favourite flower' cause they were all the same to me. I'm just this macho girl who thinks flowers are really corny and lousy things to give people.

That was because, I never received any in my life. Until there came a time during my 19th birthday, someone presented me a rose. It was my first time receiving a flower and my first reaction in my mind was, 'ugh! A flower!' but at the same time, smilling and thanking my friend. After the birthday surprise was over, I kept the flower and looked at it. It somehow made me feel all strange inside. It's a pleasant feeling altogether, and when I watch it die, it made me a bit sad. How emotional!

Then last year, when I came back from Australia, two of my close friends from CF walked up to me with their hands at the back and then surprised me with flowers again! This time, it became more emotional. It made me feel special. One was a rose, the other was a tulip. My heart melted and at the same time I'm going, "CONTROL yourself, Janice! It's not a macho thing to do. Heck, it's just flowers!". The same thing happened. Brought those flowers home, and I stared at them. This time it hurt even more when they dried up. Those pretty things just disappear within days.

This year, I was called to go downstairs at my workplace. I thought they needed some COA for some flavours or something so I went downstairs as usual. When I opened the door, I saw my colleagues surrounding something, couldn't see what it was but there were lots of balloons attached to it. Then they slowly stepped aside and much to my surprise, there was a basket of roses, in different colours and lots of goodies attached together with the flowers. Man, I tell you, the sight of this moved me so much I couldn't help almost crying. I don't know why I feel like crying but it was automatic. I received the flowers from my sister Jo and her husband Kau Sern on my 21st. That's the best surprise I ever had in many many years. The flowers smelt really fresh and good. Every morning when I wake up, the smell of the fragrance made me feel relaxed and happy. These flowers lasted for a longer time, as they had a sponge underneath where I can water every once in 2 days. Again when they died, I felt quite sad to discard them as they were like my companion for the past few weeks.

I'm so wrong about flowers. You never know, but to me now they are the most humble and powerful way to express yourself to another person how much you love and care for them, and how special they are to you. If you can't say the right words, let the flowers do it for you. Flowers are unique, their beauty lasts for a while, but its magic is overwhelming; what more if it's given by someone that means the world to you. :)

I still struggle with my ego, I'll never cry in front of anybody because of flowers, but now you know, in my silence, they move me.

A break

2005-08-08T02:22:00.000-07:00

OKAY!! I suppose the past few postings were quite deep and hard to read. Even I myself yawn at my own writing. My brain decides to rest for a while. Let me think of something light.

Thinking....

Thinking.....

Hmm....

Geez this is hard!

OKAY!!! I thought of something. This is what I like telling people about my childhood. I'm a very country girl. I love running around barefooted, climbing trees, (yeah I guess I've said that before in my first few postings) and the ultimate thing is that without fail, I do stupid things. Let me share with you the few stupid things I do. Hmm, let me rephrase that. I would say, my imagination made me try out doing all kinds of stuff and I learnt from them.

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As a child, I thought insects had different races, like us, Chinese, Indian, Malay..etc. Therefore they have ants, grasshoppers, butterflies, etc. I thought that they communicated with one another in one language which they all understand, and I thought they could understand what humans do. One morning, playing in the garden as usual, (I think I was 3 or 4 years old) I saw this long line of ants, crawling really fast towards goodness knows where. I don't know why I came up with this idea that these ants needed a President. Maybe, a larger looking insect will guide them well. So I found this mini picture of a grasshopper and stuck it to a toothpick (therefore it looks like a flag). This 'flag' was poked erected on the soil beside where the ants were. Was hoping that these ants would respect the grasshopper. I expected them to look up at this flag and salute. BUT THEY DIDN'T!! I got so pissed I stepped on every ant I saw walking there.

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As a child, till about age 9, I thought all boys and girls were the same gender. No, I won't elaborate on this cause it's pretty embarrassing about how I discovered the difference. Only my husband can know.

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Till now, I don't know about you, but whenever I see animals eat, they arouse my hunger. When I watch documentries, seeing tigers chewing on a deer, the blood oozing out...mmMMMmm...gosh! Thinking of it makes me hungry. Yeah. It still happens. The sight of blood makes me hungry.

Well, talking about this, I remembered that as a child (age 7), I saw a bunch of baby grasshoppers munching on some bamboo leaves. It gave me the idea that bamboo leaves were delicious, so I decided to chew one myself. Please, never try eating bamboo leaves at all. They don't taste the way they look or appeal to be.

You know those jelly things that they use to grow plants instead of soil? Yup! I ate that too! It tastes like jelly except that it's not sweet and tasteless. You may try that.

Hmm...the list of things I've eaten: stone, black ants, tissue paper, paper, cat food, bird seed, my very own poo (thank god I can't recall this, but that's what my sister told me as I offered her some 'chocolate'!). Are you disgusted now?

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I love lizards, mice and cats the most. Dogs hmm..the only dog I love was Max, my companion years ago. Anyway, the maid was cleaning the back of the house and while I was 'helping' her (more of getting in the way perhaps!), I found 2 blind, baby mice. To my joy, I picked them up and waited for my mum to come home. I couldn't wait to show her my new friends. :D You could guess, mum freaked out when she saw me sitting by the front door, grinning from ear to ear, holding up both arms as high as I could, with the two mice squirming in my hands, saying nothing. Mum had a hard time trying to tell me I can't keep them, because I was already emotionally attached and I think I was bawling my eyes out since I couldn't keep them.

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On rainy days, the garden became splotchy (don't bother what it means) and muddy. There was this particular hole in the ground, it's supposed to be a mini drain that led water into the main drain. So when it rained, it was filled up, and it isn't deep. It's depth was filled with stones but it does get muddy at times. I saw some birds bathing themselves in it, and it led to my curiousity to know what it feels like rolling in that puddle. I came into the house, covered with mud and water from head to toe. Of course, I was yelled at by the maid as she had more cleaning to do.

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I can't think of anything else to write. But that's not all. I remember better when I talk. Have a great week. :D Perhaps I've spoilt your lunch.

Forgive but...

2005-08-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness is one issue which all human struggle with. Whether we realize it or not, it is all inside us. For me, it was one big hell of a struggle, and I wrestle with it everyday. Anger comes along with it. But I am much better now compared to when like 10 years ago. You can ask anyone in my family and they'll tell you what a vengeful and spiteful temper I had. If you saw me at that time, you'll think I'm harmless and cute but the devil's invisible. It still is. Nobody believes me when I tell them about this.

I am not ashamed to declare my weaknesses, as I know I can depend on the Big Guy up there to help me not destroy myself but to get along with it. Anyway, let's not go out of topic. Here's my story of the past:

When I talk to my friends from places like KL or Australia, they don't seem to have gone through this much pain as I did. Maybe it's not their time. Maybe they'll never face it in this life. What fortunate people. I'm talking about past hurt friendships and relationships. I cannot exactly recall what happened, because I am healed from pain. Since I was healed, I no longer walk back to that 'grey area' in my life. That's why I can't remember. I remembered Pastor Daniel mentioning that we should forgive, not forget but forbear.

You see, I believe that most people, as they lie on their deathbed, the one and only thing they want at that point of time is forgiveness. We want to depart in peace. It could be receiving or give forgiveness. I don't think anyone can forget the past. What's happened has happened. You cannot erase it unless it naturally gets out of our memory, like mine. I will share with you how I've experienced this power of forgiveness later on. I believe that you realize it as well, that if we don't forgive, there's this certain degree of unhappiness and grudge in us. If we are not careful, it will slowly eat us, accumulating throughout the years, then it grows to bitterness, depression and the familiar list goes on as I have mentioned many many times in my other postings. Can you see how one small thing leads to another?

I nearly died. I had suicidal thoughts of others and myself. Thinking about those people only made me clench my teeth and fist. One fine day, I decided to go for the Power Conference 2003 held by SIB church in Eastin Hotel. I never regret going. Pastor Kenneth Chin preached about the area of fear and depression. As I walked up to be prayed for, a young lady named Cindy offered to pray for me. I trembled and I wept. No idea what was happening. Then since she saw the state I was in, she brought me to a small room to talk to me. Then slowly I confessed I had depression and there is a lot of unnecessary fear in me. (If you knew me as a child, fear was the last thing that came to mind. I was bold, I was so energetic and I was carefree but things changed.) Well, she asked me a couple of questions and it slowly opened doors from one thing, leading to another, backwards. It all boiled down to unforgiveness in my heart. Even unforgiveness, towards myself. I had hatred towards myself, which I did not realize. The outcome was low self-esteem. Can you believe that I hated seeing myself in photos? That's why there's not many collection of photos during my teenage years. I always put myself down, I always felt useless, I always felt like a loser.

Cindy led me into a prayer. I confessed, even the names of the people that I had so much grudge against. Practically almost everybody I knew at that time. Haha! I'm super sensitive so I get hurt easily. I meant my prayer with all my heart. It was very hard, because when those faces appear in my mind, I only remember them constantly putting me down. For example, being nice in front but talks dirty behind my back. Telling me that I'm not beautiful when a loved one decided to love someone else. How I hated my life then. I even brought it home. Fought with my parents constantly. After mentioning each name, I had so much will power to overcome those hatred and fear because I was desperate to be set free. I wasn't opened to talk to my family about my problems cause I felt I would not be taken seriously and humiliate myself even more. (You know that mentality right? Being the youngest always talk in baby language and nothing makes sense.)

My past was dirtier than you thought. I only put them in a summary. The rest, I don't think it's necessary. I cried the whole night, I journaled down everything but I can't find that journal anymore. It wasn't over night. I manage to forgive these people, and I manage to stay in touch with some of them. This is forbearing. I remain as a friend. We need to be wise in selecting the friends we mix with as well. Some are wolves that eat you up when they are hungry. Some are brainless pigs, they act nice in front of you but covet your possessions, greedy I call it. These are the people you don't want to associate with, if you know it's going to destroy your faith.

Year 2004 came. I was in Wagga. Sometimes I was very down in Australia during the first half of the year. Then I sat down and thought deeply, and found out, there was one more person I did not forgive. One person I almost got into a relationship with. Can you imagine, that pain stayed in my heart for 5 years? I guess that pain and fear refrained me from wanting to be in another relationship. I talked it out to my friends. It only relieved me for a few moments, then back to 'down' syndrome again. Pok Tzai Tzin, my best buddy told me, "Why do you suffer on your own? Why don't you bring this matter up to that guy?"

Guess what? I did. Via ICQ. I told him everything I felt and what it caused me. It wasn't the appropriate way though. It would have been better face to face. I gave him time to think and asked his views. It was a give and take. Mind you, I did this when I was very calm. You know what...after telling him everything, I felt this whole weight lifted up from me. I could feel my wings spread. I couldn't care anymore if he wanted to leave the friendship, cause all I needed were my wings. I'm surprised that the friendship still maintains, till today. :D When I look at him now, there's no more pain.

I am free to socialize, I am free to date whoever I want. The thing is, I'm free. Since I had this freedom, I enjoyed singlehood very very much. That's when I slowly met Marianne and the rest of the Wagga people. I became more open to the Aussies and all sorts of other different races, Korean, Japanese, Mexican, Spanish, you name it. I'm surprised how fast we became friends, some even my close friends only in 5 months! The strange thing is, I value these people so much more than those in the past who knew me for a much longer period. These people are still in touch with me today. Guess what, the person I dated made me feel beautiful. He was not ashamed to tell me that almost everytime we go out. What a gem, I do have high expectations of my future boyfriend now. hahaha! Not only him, but my true friends in Uni as well. They made me see myself again, as somebody unique and lovely. I'm free to be myself. There's always room for mistakes and improvement. That is what I call, friends. They don't put you down but they have the intention to see you glow and grow.

Right now, I do miss every single one of them. But I know I must move on. In fact, I have filtered the friends I associate with. I don't need many friends or rather I call it acquaintances. I don't need them. Neither do they need me. I don't see the point hanging on when both sides are not taking initiative to rekindle the friendship. I see more urgency in meeting new people. The new ones will need me more than they do. However, I'm happy in a way that I've met such people in my life, cause without this happening to me, I'll never appreciate what I have. They have built me in a way.

If you happened to be one of the people I've 'filtered', I'm really sorry for the past but yeah, you've done what you could and I've done my best. I do want to meet you for one more time and talk things out. At least, we have a graceful ending to the friendship. Either call me or wait for my call. Just be prepared mentally. Don't worry, it's not a war zone.

A Respond to a Blog

2005-08-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

(I was reading someone's blog, and I couldn't help but feel concerned about the person he chose to be. I don't even know this person, but I am trying to acquainted. He writes real stuff about his views on life, his questions about life but the answers he seek does not seem to come. I will keep this person confidential, but I hope that he is determined enough to walk away from his past and allow my Father to take his hand. I hope that this posting will benefit its readers. I may not have all answers, but this blog has triggered me to write.)

Frank*, I am very amazed, that you are so open and daring to talk about your true feelings, the questions you ask about life, the pain you acknowledge and whatever knowledge you perceive. You are not a freak, don't think less of yourself just because you ask questions that people don't. Answers don't come by easily. Maybe you are not mature enough to receive answers, maybe in the first place, you wouldn't even want to know the answer. God will choose His time to reveal things to you, when He knows you are ready and IF you asked sincerely.

I believe what you are going thru, is grief. The death of your close friend in Sudan, and the separation of your girlfriend has been too much for you. Till today, you are not over it. It is normal for one to blame himself, when someone's life is taken away from him. I'm sorry, but I read comments from your friends, they don't seem to understand your pain. I have many friends like that too. However, it is not their fault. Not everybody can understand what another person is going through. I learnt from painful experience relying on friends, but really, there is nothing they can do to make you get over pain. The most they can do is accompany you, but not all friends stay. I get the vibe that you have painful friendships from the past. It may have been something small, but you never realized it till it built up within you. Anyhow, decisions lie within yourself. You need to make up your mind whether to move on, or stay and rot.

I believe that God teaches us wisdom in different ways. I would like to quote someone's nickname I saw on MSN, 'Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain- Robert Gary Lee'. You happened to learn something ahead from your friends. Situations like these brings us either a step ahead, or many steps below. It did make you question yourself, about the meaning of life. If you believe there's hope, and you place your trust in God, you move ahead. If you think it's the end, you become so consumed with yourself, you blame yourself seriously for losing someone, you don't see any light ahead of you anymore, you move backwards. I hope you do ask yourself this, which direction are you heading towards.

Do you know, that satan uses such 'tools' like depression and grief to kill? I hope you do understand this, because the spiritual realhm is very real. Everybody has a soul. It's the destiny you decide, you choose where you wish to be. I chose Christianity (follower of Jesus Christ), because it speaks about true love. Agape love and life. Everlasting life. That is my ending. That is where my soul will be when I die. I will be in heaven, painless, perfect and I will live together with my other fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

I believe, God does not reveal the future to us, unless He knows we can handle it. Look at Moses for example, if God told him since young that he will be the one to lead Isrealites out of Egypt, I think Moses will faint and back off. Every little thing you do, will slowly build up to the peak where you will be. It disturbs me to see you countdown to your deathday. As far as I know, God has not revealed the year and the day we will die. That is why, we need to be ready all the time. We need to live as if tomorrow never comes. What I meant about 'getting ready' is that we take this time on earth, to do what we should be doing as human beings. Do you know your purpose being on earth? Or do you already know it? I'm still searching for mine, but I get a misty image of it. Hope it's clearer soon.

God is real, and there is such a thing as heaven and hell, as it is mentioned many times in the Bible. There's even descriptions of them, what they are like, to answer your question. Unfortunately, many give up to look for Him. People look for God in wrong places, also treating Him unjustly. I admit, as a human being, I only seek help when I need it. It's not the way with God. He wants that personal relationship with us, daily, talking to Him. I know it is strange to talk alone to Him, as if we are talking to the wall, but the more persistent your heart is, the more you want and desire to know Him, He will reveal Himself to us. I can guarantee you that. People who don't find God, perhaps, didn't find God in the right manner, but for other motives.

I'm surprised that an educated person like you has never touched the Bible. I was foolish not to give it a chance myself last time. If you read the Bible, you'll discover that there are people in the Bible like you and I, some, even worst. But God loved them all. Read and see what God did in their lives. No where else you know, can give you the hope you need. Read about King Solomon, Samson, Saul or Paul (new testament), David and there are many more.

Sometimes we tend to think we are outcasts, useless, unworthy but hey, that is society. (I will write another blog on this topic). Jesus doesn't think that way about us. Read about how He healed the leper in the book of Matthew. (Leprosy was like the worst disease back then and people who had it are an outcast. If they went into the cities, they have to shout out "Unclean, Unclean". So it was that bad.) Jesus TOUCHED the leper. Aiyah you read the Bible lah. It's one heck of and interesting book. If God fed the birds in the air and the plants on the ground, how far more important are you to Him! Why do you pull yourself down? Tell me, have you seen an animal falling down dead from guilt or shame?

Self-pity is part of falling. We tend to blame God at times, but if you really look at the whole situation, do you ever ask yourself this: Do I really know who God is? Would God do such a thing?

I came across a phrase but I'm not sure where, is that God promises us ways out, but He didn't promise us that there'll be no pain. I think this came from Rebecca Manley Pippert. We won't learn if there isn't pain.

Our time on earth is really short and unpredictable. Frank, you are not a vegetable. You are someone capable. It's all in your mind. Do you think by behaving like that could add more days to your life? Or do you think, what you are doing now could be helpful to yourself or anyone around you?

Frank, think about it. What is more blessed than to have your own life? Do you really believed what the priest said about your life? Would you give God a chance to tell you about your own life instead through the mouths of people? Don't you think the one who made you should know you better? Do you believe God has a loving heart? Do you think He wants to see you like this? What makes you think the people around you are perfect? Do you know that most gifts are learnt through pain and sweat? Do you realize that they are the tools for your purpose and meaning in life?

I don't know about you Frank. But I want to end my life well. I want to run the race I'm supposed to run. My ultimate dream is that when I meet God and Jesus, I want them to tell me, "You are awesom. Well done, My child". There's too much in life for me. There's not enough time for me to just sit there and wail about my past. Move on. There are people out there who need you. You just never know when or where. Let God lead you.

*Name has been changed for privacy

If Only

2005-08-01T20:51:00.000-07:00

(Just thinking about a friend and a family member. I am very moved to write this. It's hard to put feelings in words. Feelings kept bottled ain't that good. Guess I'll die young. How morbid. Hope you enjoy it.)

Pulled your hand away
Hung up the phone
Walked away
Shut your ears

Closed the doors
Back facing me
Deciding only to take
The uncertain Journey
On your own

You thought you could
You thought it's right
You thought
Everything would go smoothly
What you thought
Went all downhill

You are sinking
You are falling
You try to keep it together
But you're crumbling

You are dying
You are vanishing
You even lost
Everything that you had

If only I could save you
But it's not my purpose
If only I could lift you
Back to your innocense
If only I could knock
Some sense in your mind

If only you would listen
The advice might save you
If only you gave a chance
The other Journey could bring you
If only you were more open
The gifts you received
Blossomed you

If only...

Walk Away

2005-07-31T19:29:00.000-07:00

(Inspired by a dream. Well, I could call it a nightmare, because it was about me having a massive arguments with 2 of my closest, dearest friends. I hope it is not true, but this is how I felt. Betrayal. I don't know if I meant it, but it's exactly what I would feel once betrayed when I don't forgive. Enjoy reading.)

Many times I do wonder
If what I see was true
If what I think is real
Then you are really cruel

Talking to you
Like pouring water on wax
Building trust in you
Like watering the branches

Love went missing in your life
You came to me
Filled up your vessel
And now you sail to another country

Out of trace
Out of sight
No longer see your face
Nor hear your voice
While you vanished
Here's what I felt:

Walk away
If you have to
Walk away
If you wanted to
I don't need this pain
Cramming in my brain

Walk away
If it makes you feel better
Walk away
If you thought life was better
In my absense

But
When stormy winds hit you
Years down the road
Remember to look back
Don't blame anyone
Because
You were part of a storm
In my life

I'd rather
You hate me now
Than next time

Walk away
I'm not stopping you
Walk away
If you need to
I cannot keep you no more
You overflow me
With more grief than joy

Just walk away
I don't need you anymore

My Want, My Wall (dedicated specially to that someone)

2005-07-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this last year, during the peak season of making one of the toughest decisions in my life. It juggled between my priorities for someone and God. I cannot serve 2 masters. At the end of it, I chose to put God first. He's awesom, even my loved ones cannot take His place from my life. God is more valuable to me than any other relationship. As a friend, I think you should know this part of me just in case certain things I do you do not understand. If I spend less time with God because of someone, I always take the step to spend less time with that someone to go back to God. God even loves me more than you do, and even loves me more than I love myself. This is the most meaningful 'poem' I've ever written. Reflects and reminds me of the choice I made and reminds me of the very first time I prayed for His Will instead of mine. Not very easy as it seems, but it's a decision I had to make sooner or later. A trusted friend and I prayed about it and by His grace, I was able to overcome this pain. Only recently. Any pain can be overcomed, it all lies within you. The sooner you are determined and seek God for strength, the faster it heals. If I could do it, so can you. I hope you understand what I'm typing and I hope this 'poem' speaks something to you.)

I can grasp..taste...see and admire
the creation around me
but I cannot hold them in my heart
as much as I wished

You made me
You knew me
You planned for me
but I chose to go this journey
on my own

you're lovely
you're beautiful
you're more than anything
I’ve ever wanted
As if a dream come true

ignored You..
walked my path instead of Yours
to get to you
this want in me overthrew me
from Your overflowing Love

I counted the steps
to your heart..
watching you was the best
being with you was even better
even though I knew
You had better plans

I'm at the door of your heart
wondering if I should break
the glassy surface that separates us
the decision to choose
between you
or You

but finally,
I've decided..
to leave the glass as it should be
I'm walking down the steps
your heart slowly fades
from my sight

you are the most precious
always and forever
but it's time to go
the toughest decision
is to set you free

goodbye..
in your absence
I still love you

J

Sharks!

2005-07-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

Wooo hoo.....I really have to record this down! Had another strange dream last night. Well...you could call it nightmare as it isn't as pleasant as a dream should be.

There were 5 of us scuba diving. I cannot remember who was with me, but there were definitely 5 people and I was made the leader. We were doing some research on something.

Picture this: We were in a clear blueish ocean, about 20 feet deep (I won't say 10 feet cause I've seen what 10 feet is like, so my guess is double that depth). I had this walky-talky thingy attached to my ear, it was more like a mini earphone, like those hands-free things you attach to your mobile phone. It was meant for someone waiting in the boat to communicate with me, to let me know which direction we should be heading, etc. The sea was surprisingly empty, there weren't any fishes, and we could see the bed of the sea, which was half clear white sand and on the right, there were grey rocks covered with a little bit of corals. Remember how I dream in black and white? This time, I saw nothing but greyish blue and black.

Suddenly, the person communicating with me let out a cry of horror.

"I don't know how to help you, but there's a great white shark coming your direction".

Usually, one would panic after hearing such things, but I have no idea why I was taking my own sweet time telling the others what to do. I motioned the other divers to crouch on the rocky parts, as if to camouflage one of the rocks. Then I swam 10 ft up and made sure the other divers were 'safely' unseen. I waited. (Looks like I'm trying to set myself as a bait. I don't know what I was doing! In my dream I was so calm but me as the person dreaming it was tossing about my bed in so much fear).

Then it came. From afar, I could see a speck of white, zig-zagging in motion, swift as lightning, growing larger and larger. It was silent. Then I could see its face. It bear the look of hunger and excitement as it saw its dinner awaiting him. The last scene I remembered was I came face to face with its opened mouth, and its infinite sharp razer-teeth.

The next scene was my family and I were taking a cruise to New Zealand.

That is the craziest ending though. Really has no connection.

Grieve

2005-07-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

"a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance," - Ecclesiastes 3: 4

This thought came during the death of my grandmother. I had so much to think about when this topic came to mind but had no idea how to put pictures into words.

Often, we are embarassed to grieve in front of others mainly because we don't want people to see us cry, or rather crying or talking out our heartache makes us look like we're defeated. People grieve for many reasons, for example loss of a pet, painful split in relationships, betrayal, death, basically, separation from something or someone that was deeply attached to us.

As as outsider (one who isn't grieving), should be more understanding and sensitive towards the person grieving. Different people have different way of looking for comfort. Some prefer people to surround them, some prefer privacy. Some prefer pouring out their hearts, some prefer to just keep silent. I don't know about you, but for me, I found that nothing comforts me more than being alone and having absolutely no one to tell me, "It's okay, everything will be fine, stop crying". With such comments, I feel more pressured to release what I need to release. I believe that when people grieve, others should stay at bay and respect it. There's nothing wrong with crying or showing a little moodiness in front of others. As the bible already said, there's a time for everything, that means, God permits it to happen. We are people with feelings. It isn't mentioned in the Bible that God said, "Haha! Look at you, crying like a wussy!" Regardless if you a guy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying or talking your problems out. God doesn't look down on you for that.

If you are thinking of comforting someone, do be observant. Don't be shy to ask if he or she wants to hear comforting words or keep silent. Never assume. If in your mind it goes, "But I thought..." that's crap. Don't listen to it. I had that during my grandma's funeral and in result, I became so enraged I flared up crying even more. Not because of grieve, but in anger because I wasn't given space to grieve. It's not that I don't appreciate what these people done for me, I know they have good intentions and good hearts. It's just that time, they didn't do the right thing. It boils down to the fact that the right things are unavoidable.

Grieve is natural, but I believe shouldn't be kept in the system for too long. It become unhealthy once it turns into bitterness, antisocial, loss of confidence, then to depression, then to some chronic disease...till it eats you dead.

Hidden Angel

2005-07-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

Always there
He or she, I couldn't tell
Feels light most of the time
But weighs itself onto me
when there is a need

Strange it talks
Uses my voice
Uses my heart
and mind
without me understanding
what on earth is happening

In some situations
It feels like a guitar string
"twanging" inside
Every part of me trembles
Sometimes with fear
Sometimes with compassion
Sometimes with joy
but all the time
with peace

It controls my speech
My tale ended abruptly
I fell dumb
My mind went blank
All in a flash of lightning
When the words
Weren't mean to be

Controlled my mind it did
Unexpected thoughts flow
Conveying it to readers
Seldom listeners
Slipping itself gently
into those who receive

Now it's in me
I cannot fight it
It's power is amazing
Like a soldier at war
The only difference is
The Promise was fulfilled
The victory's won
I can walk in peace
Return in one piece
I don't fear you
What more evil

Your phone's ringing
Have you seen it?
Have you felt it?
Have you heard it?
Have you received it?
Give it an inch
It'll take you a mile

Nothing else lasts forever
But this

J
Somethings do last eternally, depending on where your heart is. A reply to urgency, is the only clue I can give. Tomorrow may never come. The ball is in your court.

Separation

2005-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Gee...even my titles will make you feel depressed don't they? :)

I don't mean to. It is just a real phase of life where everybody goes through. Separation is never easy for me. Any sort of separation, from death of humans, departure of friends to death of insects, I tend to lose sleep over for a couple of days, even years!

It's funny how some part of life where some people meant so much to you, and though nothing bad happened, we're just separated. I tried 'saving' many friendships via email, msn or text messaging but I know that it'll be different when we meet again. People move on in different ways. I know it can't be helped, but that is one major part in life that makes me so sad about. People advised me to look on the brighter side, where we'll meet new people who will 'replace' those important people in my life but I don't feel the same. Nobody has ever, in my life, been able to replace anybody else.

During the time of being away from each other, thoughts of them slowly drift like mist. But the strange part is when I meet them again in real life, so much emotion runs through my mind, so much memories.

An adult mentioned once, that in life, it's impossible to keep track of all your friends. When you grow old, only one or two who know you for life will stay with you. Well, what happens to those who have more than one or two friends? I somehow disagree with what this old timer said, I believe it's a choice both parties make. ANY friendship can stand the test of time and distance if both are willing to sacrifice something in their life. Perhaps, even though we hate replying emails, at least we take the effort to reply something or making it a point to meet up every now and then for those living within the same country. This is one issue I cannot understand about people...that is, how could they let go of friends that they treasured or promised to treasure once upon a time?

I may be mad, but this is something I won't let go so easily. People may drift and bla bla...you hear the norm. That doesn't mean I don't move on in life. I see it as more of a multitasking, being able to keep what you had and continue looking for more. Of course I don't mean that you keep EVERYBODY you meet in life, just those who once made an impact in your life, or those you cared about. You never know that they need you or you need them someday. It's just so insincere that suddenly somebody who hasn't kept in touch for ages suddenly talks to you and only wants a favour from you, eventhough you both had been close friends before. I don't fancy that kind of friendships really.

Animals too, play a role in my painful separation. Once I keep anything as a pet, I grow to love it and when it dies, internally I die silently. I don't know what part of me they stole away, but EVERYTIME something separates from me, I grow hungry and thirsty, as if there's a void that needs to be filled. As my sister's husband puts it that I have a 'Cat Love' capacity in my heart. I crave hugging cats, I crave playing with kittens. I want to own one but I know the consequences.

I'm crazy. I need to see a psychiatrist.

Dedicated in memory of Grandmom

2005-06-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

Touch of warmth
Gently crawls on my skin
Opened my eyes
There she was
Beaming...
Through her blinding face
Through closed eyes
Her presence was powerful

When she wakes up,
Flowers spring in blissfulness
Rejoicing for her presence,
She breathes colours into each one
Ms Tulip and Ms Rose
Standing respectfully before her
Mr Grass,
Nodding humbly by her feet

Alone, majestically high,
She reveals
Deepest secrets of the world
Like an open book
She brings life
In her presence
All creation draws near in harmony

As I walked along the narrow paths
The grass became dark green
I looked up at the sky
Splashes of orange, red, tangerine and yellow
Then I saw her
Humbly touching the face of earth
She continued to beam,
A fading beam,
Drawing all energy and power,
Darkness filled the earth gradually
Descending towards the west
She turned around,
Nodded and winked,
As a sign of goodbye,
The feeling of sadness and loss
I never understood

I smiled,
A little too late.

Red

2005-06-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

My world was grey. Lights on the streets moved like fine lines. Misty and blurry, I couldn't really picture what lied ahead of me. Cars zoomed past. So on I walked. The I saw some flats on my right. Many children were playing by the sidewalks, on every floor. They were faceless and grey, but I could hear screams of joy and see their silhouette darting randomly.

I continued walking. Then I noticed, also on my right, there was this flat with the letter 'H' on it and at one floor, I cannot recall which floor it was. Crowds were building up, about 10 cars were parked inorderly, including a police petrol car. Everything was still grey, except for that bright red light from the petrol car, flashing wildly every few seconds.

My legs carried me towards that flat. My heart was alarmed, but at the same time, peaceful because I had absolutely no control over what I was doing. No one bothered as I was approaching. To my surprise, I walked past the whole crowd, I couldn't stop. There were whispers and murmering among the people. I only picked up the words, "killed" and "died". I tried to stop to listen but my legs brought me to an isolated corner of the flat, it looks like one of the places where people throw their dumps. There, before my eyes on the wall was written a name. I do not want to reveal this name, because I do not feel comfortable to. This name was written in blood. Then the image of this person appeared before me. She was sobbing bitterly, and was trying to tell me something but the only words I heard was, "Help me" and then, she disappeared. My vision was still grey, but the sight of bright red was the only colour I could see. Because of that, I can barely recall the face of that girl. Only prominent part of her features was that she was slim, tall and had a broad forehead.

Then my legs brought me away from the place and walked past the place where the crowd was. To my amazement, all the people have left, and only one car was still parked there. The next thing I knew, I was boarding a bus back to Sedaya. As i got up the bus, half of the front seats were taken. I don't know why but my legs continued carrying me right to the last row. I sat down and I nearly screamed with shock. There was a body, wrapped in a transparent plastic bag, internally smeared with blood. No matter how fearful I was, my eyes forced myself to look. To my dismay, it was that girl who appeared before me at the flats. She was already dead.

***

I lived in a cosy land, full of trees and it rained occasionally, making the atmosphere fresh and green. I lived with my mother and another friend. It was a bungalow with a spacious garden without any fence. I had only one neighbour, who was a tall, slim girl with a broad forehead. Her hair was slightly below neck length and it was wavy. She was always smilling and she was really pleasant to look at. Very sweet personality too. However, we never talked. Only bump into her once in a while out in our garden, smelling our flowers. As she saw us, she flashed her sweet smile, rose slowly and walked back to her house. Everytime I saw her, I tried talking to her.

Slowly the friendship built. Once she was a graceful girl, but the more I knew her, she had the similar character as I did. Quiet the first time, but as time goes on, crazy and laughs loudly. This went on for many years, and she even befriended my mother and my other friend.

One evening, as I walked out to do some gardening, I nearly fainted at what I saw. The girl was standing before me, pointing a gun at my direction. My mom and friend noticed from the house and ran out. Of all a sudden, this big guy who appeared from nowhere, was standing in front of me to protect me. He had a gun too. All I remembered was that he was wearing a crash helmet and had very dark skin.

Everything happened so fast after that. I heard a deafening gunshot and that minute and there was a moments pause. I could see the faces of my mother and my friend, their mouths were open with shock. Suddenly, the man fell down before me and vanished. The girl was still standing there, looking fairer and her bloodshot lips were turning upwards to smile. She threw her head back and gave a shrill laugh, I cannot forget that laughter because I thought she would end our lives there and then but no. She kept her gun in her belt and walked slowly towards us. We couldn't move. She said these words,"Please, come and live with me". We obeyed her for the fear of her killing us.

There was an old wooden piano by her verandah, a couple of windchimes hanging outside. She made us tea and talked cheerfully as she did. My legs brought me around her hall and I observed. She had many many picture frames hanging on the wall and on every cupboard and table. Somehow my eyes were able to zoom up to see what were in the picture frames. They were quotes from famous people, uplifting quotes, words of wisdom, phrases that encourage and soothes the heart and mind. But not one of these came from the Holy Bible.

Slowly, I came to understand that she was a depressee.

***

Dear readers,

The first part was a dream I had in year 2003. And this same girl appeared this year in the second part of the story. Two different dreams. The second part was like an intro to the first part of the dream, what her past life was. I don't know what to say, but I think this dream is one important dream to me. A task I need to fulfil somewhere in somebody. And because her needs weren't fulfilled, she committed suicide or got killed or whatever it was. She became hopeless.

Yes, I do have more dreams like that, but it's too many to type them. The unique thing about my dream is that I only see black, grey, white and red. My dreams were never in colours.

Confusion

2005-06-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

Tossing and turning, I was trying to sleep when someone sent me an sms. I picked up my phone and saw that it was a message from an old friend, whom I haven't heard from for a very long time. The message from this friend went something like, "Why didn't you messaged me when you came back from Australia?"

Then it got me thinking, since when did this person ever impacted my life? Was this person even there when I needed someone? Was this person ever there, just for a casual chat? Then I thought about all those other friends who spoke to me once in a while, and during those 'once in a while', it always had to do with something about their personal problems, and they needed and ear to listen or talk to. Even via MSN.

Sometimes I really do wonder if they are categorized as 'friends'. One moment, they come and suck you up and once they got what they wanted, they leave you, not even bothering to greet you when they see you, not even acknowledging your presence. Even when I make the effort to find out how they are doing, they suddenly just hide from me, as if I am an intruder. I think it's really unfair on my behalf, for not having given an explaination.

Then my brother told me, "I can't understand why you treat these people so nicely, even though they treated you like shit". Ouch. That really made me pause to think for a very long time. I guess that sets me apart from many. Not many out there are willing to take such people's shit anyway, not many have patience. Don't ask me why, I do feel very silly to do such things, to be there for those who need a friend, no matter how meaningless they are to me. I believe that this people may not be important to me in anyway, but they are ALWAYS important to the One whom I trust. They Will be important to someone else one day, so they will be treated with love.

I do not ask for anything in return, but at least, treat me as how a friend would treat you. I am not a toy, and I very well know those who take advantage of me. I forsee such things in people (I guess it's another gift), from observing the person, I can tell if he/she makes a good friend, a trusted friend. However, I do not avoid them even if they were like hell, cause I know that deep down, they do not have many friends to trust, so insecure, that makes them act like hell. I know that they need Jesus. Even if I cannot solve their burden, at least, I can lead them to Him who heals.

I don't understand how people, build friendships over the months and years and yet could afford to lose contact over the years, till forgotten. I don't call that 'friend'. I call that acquaintance and unfortunately, I have many. I wish I could 'throw' them away, erase them out of my life, my contacts, my phone book, but NO, I cannot because of this burden in me to care for them, to stand up for them.

I'm writing this because I'm very turned off by a friend, who said, "Friends Forever..hope we meet again" but now, when this person sees me, doesn't seem to care at all, doesn't even respond to my messages. I guess I'll just wait till this person faces another problem.

I guess I'm weird. I don't see any reason for anyone to stop talking to me unless I did something wrong and give me a good explanation.

It's tough to love.

Thinking Too Much about Thinking Too Much

2005-06-06T01:06:00.000-07:00

WELL! You might think I'm 50 years old or something after reading my blog halfway. It really amuses me how people underestimate the way my mind works. I've been told and I even hear gossips fly all around me going like, "Psst! This girl thinks too much!"

I thought about writing this, because there is a difference between Worrying and Thinking. Yes, I used to be a full-time worrier during high-school, during the time of depression but it has all changed as I grew. I don't call the things that drift past my mind 'Worry', but more of considering actions and words I could use for improvement after a certain experience. However, there is a con to this and that is, if it's not under control, it will slowly weigh you down and that happened to me many times. It's better controlled this year, I must say.

I find this an interesting topic to talk about. A friend told me, it's not really healthy to think too much. Oh yeah, I agree, since it creates lines over the forehead and makes you a little antisocial. Then again, I asked her, if she had any 'remedies' to it. She fell silent. She couldn't give me an answer. Really! How do you stop thinking once your mind starts on a mini roller coaster?

I am judged to be a worried person and often thinking too much. Yes, I accept it, but the reason people judge me with was really not reasonable at all. Just because one is very inquisitive, doesn't make them a worrier, you get what I mean? They haven't even heard or listened to my views! Views about life, views about relationships, views about being the people we are. They might end up sending me to a psychiatrist.

I mean, don't you ever wondered about those things? About death? About how you could improve your relationship with others? About how to improve yourself? About where you will go after death? About how you're gonna deal with such and such problems? Don't you? I guess you would. The difference between you and me is that I ask and I look for my answers. I don't just sit there keeping silent and hoping time would erase it, living happily ever after amen! Heck, NO! Problems come, they stay. There is NO such thing as forgotten. The after effect may be minor, but it'll surely eat some of your life somewhere, sometime. No one will or can solve it for you. That's when you gotta think, that is if you really cared about it. Otherwise, ignorance makes you bliss, but I bet you it won't last.

To me these are not worries. These are REAL questions, these are REAL problems we face everyday, we are in a REAL world. Hullo?!!! Knock, Knock who's there? Dreamer? Come back to REALITY.

Thinking a lot is not wrong nor bad, but it can be once it goes off-hand. For me, I believe it's a gift from God, wisdom and maturity I prayed for ages ago and I've received it. If I had no wisdom, you wouldn't talk to me about life, about relationships, about problems. People do get surprised how I can carry a conversation with anyone I meet, even for the first time and of any age. However, I do wish that in real life, there were more who sat down and talked to me and not judge me to be quiet. I guess time is limited. But talking to me will proove to you that I am the same, as you meet me online. Maybe my response is a little slower, (of course I don't have the speed of the internet) but definitely the same. Whether you know it or not, everytime when someone turns to me for advice or comfort, I pray for wisdom and for God's words to be in my mouth, not mine. I acknowledge that this comes from God and He wants to use me at that time and at that place to work a small miracle in your life. There's always a reason why we meet in this life. I may never see you again, but maybe at that point, God wants to use either you or me to bless each other. How is this related to thinking? If your conscience is blank, then how can God signal you? He points right and you walk left.

Now we talk about worry. Worry is when that problem keeps circulating in your mind, it could be a small thing but because it's been there in your brain for a long time, it turns heavy, plus new additional worries. Worry is usually unsolved problems. When God says 'Do not worry', he didn't mean 'Stop thinking, just do it'. He meant, 'Do something about it, don't carry that baggage, bring them to Me to handle it but you must put in some effort too. Trust Me'. Let's do a little exercise today. If you have some worry in your mind, you feel like your mind is gonna burst, you feel like your heart wants to cry out, has no capacity to keep anything anymore, well, write the problems down or talk it to a trusted friend. You'll be so surprised how little the problems are and see how much that little statement could eat your mind. Most of the time, they are usually solvable problems. It's whether you do Think about how you want to solve them and take action.

Why do I say this? Because once I was so bogged down with worries and when a friend asked me what was bothering me, and I only muttered one sentence. One problem. See the big difference it did to my whole day! One stupid thing really spoils your day. Then the second part is, don't harbour on it. I know it's easy to say, especially when it comes to relationship problems. That involves emotions that could scar the heart. Yet again, it CAN be solved. Change your pattern. Things that remind you of that person, do something about it, put it in a hidden place where you won't see it or throw it away. Photographs, if they are too precious, keep them in some drawer that you hardly open. Trust me, years down the road when you accidently found this picture, you'll be like, "Oh! We had a great time together and it was an awful ending", but the feeling of sadness and hatred is not as intense as it was before, that is if you do work on not harboring over that bitter moment. It's not avoidance. It's giving yourself space to heal. How can you heal when you keep going back to poison? Get involved in other activities, even though you don't feel like it, but hey, that actually makes you more relaxed, keeps your mind off it and even if it comes back, you'll be more sober when you deal with it, not acting on impulse by emotions.

I have spent lots of thoughts to overcome my own struggles, so I repeat, it is a gift to help others, to help to shine a torch for others when they need guidance. I guess that's the reason why God place me in so much trouble in the past. I cannot really remember the scar of the problems, neither the problem itself cause I have been prayed for and I asked for forgiveness, patience and endurance. Mind, it wasn't overnight. It took years. But the thing I remember is how I solved this before.

I may be quiet, but every second, my mind is thinking about something. It's really tiring to live in my mind, but I enjoy it. :)

Freak!

My Love

2005-05-30T00:57:00.000-07:00

Six months...
and we meet again
I was caught by surprise
That we could still talk
All about our ups
Never our downs

I decided to discover
The other side of you
Pressed you little,
and you laid it all before me
Then I knew..
Where I was standing
In your heart

She may not be wrong
Don't shut her off
She may still love you
But you keep turning her away

You said she was special
She was everything you ever wanted
But she hurt you
caused you pain and anger
Forgiveness you cannot give
Running away, is all you thought of

It does kill me
To see you with someone else
But yet again
I stick to my word
I love you as a brother
I care for you as a friend
But you know what,
I wished
that something more could happen
during the time we met
3 months was so short
but I'm glad
I understand the meaning of agape
Solely because of you

I made an oath
Even if we never meet again
That you will be in my prayers
Every time I seek the Lord
I want to see you again
If not this lifetime,
then maybe in heaven

Move on, my Dearest,
I pray and hope
You will find someone
who loves you for who you are
who builds you up
I want you to be set free
I want you to see
the beauty that I see in you

Whatever happens,
Please don't harm yourself
I cannot be there in person
To watch over you
I wish I could though
but Destiny and distance
block the Path

My words may mean nothing
but...
Please remember,
Someone does care for you
Over here,
In another part of this world

One part about loving,
Is that I must learn to let go,
It won't be overnight,
it may be years
but you are worth it
I wouldn't trade
The days spent with you
with anything else in this world

Always bear in mind,
I love you

J

You Raise me Up

2005-05-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

A holiday and a slightly longer weekend. Had no idea what I should be up to, as nowadays I hardly plan what I want to do with my free time, which is a bad habit that shouldn't be followed. I could have gone to the mall, my current most favourite past time and also the time to burn my pockets. I could have slept throughout the weekend, as I do not get enough rest during the week. I could have hung out with my mates, as I haven't seen them in ages, especially Emily and Roger.

However, without much thinking, I decided to go home to my beloved hometown, Alor Star, Kedah. I went all the way to Pudu Raya to get my bus ticket and I left for home on Saturday the 21st. I felt the need to go home and visit those who watch me grew up, just spend a quiet weekend with them.

These people are none other than my parents and some church members. Eventhough we are so different in our age, but there's a very close bond between us. They may never been through with me in my days in college or Uni, but they have been there, constantly keeping me in prayer. Being updated through my parents on my progress in life, they take note and prayed unceasingly for me. There's really nothing much to see in my hometown, really. But the activities that you can do here, is so memorable, and the distance to go anywhere is within minutes, unlike here in PJ/KL where the closest places are about 30 minutes drive. The one thing that holds my heart to home are the people. This is what I can't get elsewhere: the minute I enter the houses (of people I know of course!), they never fail to serve you and stuff you with food. How often do you get that in big towns? How often do you get that hospitality? I'm not talking about instant food, or food cooked by maids, but by these people themselves.

The bus didn't stop for lunch. I only had a piece of bread with me, to keep my stomach from gastric. The minute I reached home, mum straightaway messaged me (she was teaching in a church school at that time) "If you are hungry, there's curry, bread and muffins in the kitchen. Go help yourself". That one sentence almost, I could say, brought tears. How I miss that love. Mum is a great cook. Anyone who steps in the house and has tasted her food, has always high praises for her cooking. :) If you ever stay at my house, be prepared to put on some weight. Thank God I had high metabolism, so weight isn't much of a problem for me. :) One thing about mum and I, we believe in home cooked food, not instant stuff. That's why I hardly junk unless under pressure or limited time. I'm still learning how to cook from her and I really love spending time with her in the kitchen, as she tells me stories about her past. I learnt that cooking is an asset which not everyone has, but can be worked out if one has the interest to do so.

Dad was in the garden. He's a 'construction' worker, cause he fixes things in the house. He is knowledgeable cause he is a silent observer. While munching on my bread with curry, I was following my dad around in the garden and talking to him, updating him with the life in PJ, and also him updating me about the lives of those I cared for. He asked me, "What made you come back during such a short weekend?" I replied almost without thinking, "To spend time with you and mum". Dad was silent. He smiled and said, "Oh...ok". That's his usual answer, even in an sms, he would just sent 'OK'.

We went hiking the next morning with church members and there, I got to meet the elderly people who knew my heart and mind. How pleased we were to meet after such a long time. We starting climbing the hill at about 8am. I really enjoyed the exercise, as I hardly had any while I was here in PJ. I'm surprised that I'm still quite fit, as I didn't suffer much from body aches. I was climbing pretty fast, as I was trying to keep up with Dad. Dad is a sportsman, he plays tennis and badminton very well and he jogs. At the age of 60, I'm really amazed that he was the third person to reach the peak. I was still puffing my way up. I was even more surprised when I saw mum being able to go through this as well, as she was quite weak for the past few months. It must be that chinese herbal medicine that she took, that helped her gain her strength.

The morning I was leaving, we went for breakfast with some of my parents friends. They were so surprised to see me home, and then they started rambling about their own children, who never or hardly visited home, eversince they started work. I do feel sorry for them, but yeah, if you are a child of someone, please go home, even if it were a short weekend. You may not feel like it, you may feel as if you and your parents don't connect, but deep down, they still love you and they are really touched when you do show up. Your parents are old, or rather, getting older. You never know when their time is up, so GO! Cause you don't want to regret for the rest of your life. They may not understand what you're going though, because of the difference in generation, but did you ever ask yourself this: If I were in their shoes, how would I feel?

As children, I feel that our new generation are getting more and more selfish. Our world only revolves around ourselves, and we never bother about others, even though we say we care and all that shit, when the last people we think of is our parents. I get very upset when I see my friends/relatives/family members being disrespectful to their parents. To a point where I do curse them under my breath that their children will do the same to them. Make these people who caused fire walk through the fire themselves. When I meant disrecpectful, it doesn't mean talking rudely, but also in the sense of expenditure (how they handle their money) and their heart's motive when they go home. Do you go home to be served or to serve?

Okay okay...I better stop here. I might end up saying something offensive, but the bottomline of this is that, do be responsible to your parents. The pain and hard work they did to bring you up, don't you think it's time they deserve something in return? If you don't return, who else would?

Believe it or not

2005-05-02T04:15:00.000-07:00

Many times, I wondered what the heck religion was all about. It seemed so ritual, and the funny thing is that people don’t really know what they are practicing. Common reasons for practicing such beliefs:
-"I don’t know"
-"Oh…dad says it’s good for me"
-"I followed mum and dad"
-"because I have to"
-"cause I think this is the way to heaven?"

Ah…let’s get facts right. Stop guessing! Know your roots!

The same went for me. I had no idea why I was in church, I had no idea why people pray (to something they can’t see) and I thought everything was just silly. Honestly, to not understand what you are doing can look really silly from the outside don’t you think so? Senseless! So, life in church began to be a ritual for me. I thought that by attending church, God silently takes down attendance, maybe it adds points to heaven. I thought doing good, taking part in social works, greeting people with a sweet smile, putting on a solemn face in church was also points to heaven.
This was the picture in my head: in a church (or any temple or mosque), everything becomes peaceful….floating…..problem-free………..

And then you receive the POWERRRRGGHhhhhh!!!!!!!!! And move on the next day. What happens the next day? And the day after? And for the rest of the week? It’s all gone! It was all in the mind, darling! It was you telling yourself to be peaceful, it was you FEELING powerful (goodness knows from where that source of power came from). Here's my account on what I understand about my faith:

I was about to give up all that stupid rituals until a friend invited me to do a Bible Study with her. I dragged my feet over the hill to the cafeteria at CSU to meet her. So reluctant and I already could sense the boredom. Somehow, after the study, there was a BIG refreshment to what I used to practice. It got me so curious to understand the things I was doing in the past. Why did I even choose to believe who Christ was?

The more I observed the CF, I was even more curious to know either why would they be so united to do good works without feeling drained or any sign of hesitation. The more I attended Bible Study the more I understood. And, it wasn’t just Bible Study. This friend kept looking out for me all the time. Her name is Cathy George. The days when I felt distressed, she surprised me with visits. She sat there for hours just to listen to my problems and prayed for me. Mind you, she’s a working woman. What makes me that important for her to even care?

To cut the story short, whomever I met from this CF are really friendly in nature, whether they are IN church or OUT of church. I like that. Anybody would like that, cause it’s not fake.
It slowly boiled down to the truth. They showed love and care because the Person they trust and believe also did it that way. Anyone could hero-worship good-hearted people, but they come and they die. There are many good-hearted, knowledgeable people out there anyway, I can be one too. Why on earth would I care passing on that love and care towards others just for this particular person? Unless…unless this Person did one thing that is so precious and impacted their lives.

Well, I found out and I’m telling you now. I’ve got nothing to hide. This person, I’m sure you’ve heard of him before, his name is Jesus Christ. He is God’s only son, and also part of God. He was the guy who was sent down to earth by God. After reading the bible to understand what he did, it clearly shows that this guy did something nobody could. You see, long long time ago, before the days of Adam and Eve, Jesus was already there. He was in a form of a spirit. I know it sounds really airy-fairy if you don’t believe in spirits. Well, I’m not here to ask you to believe in anything, but I really enjoy sharing this part of my own experience and study. During those times, when people sinned, they had to go through many many many rituals just to get themselves clean. Even the high priests in those days had to ‘clean’ themselves before cleaning others. How do they clean? It involves bloodshed. That’s how important sin is, even if it seems small to you but it’s a big NO to God. God and sin cannot mix. That’s why they had healthy rams (not defect in any form) to take the ‘blame’ of a person. You can read this up on your own in the book of Leviticus in the Old Testament. Imagine that entire hassle they have to go through just to get rid of one sin.

You see, all of us are sinners after what Adam and Eve did. God totally disqualified us even though we were his creation. God can be pretty emotional too, that’s how we got emotions by the way for God created us in His image, except that we’re in a bodily form and he’s in a spirit form. So he got really upset when the people he created rejected him. Only those who felt his pain and heartbeat understood him and he gave them chances. You can check it out in the bible, (Noah, Abraham, David, Deborah, Solomon…the list goes on) It’s quite interesting, cause their lives were pretty much the same like ours.

Okay, Jesus comes into the picture to make things so much easier for us today. Jesus is pure, he was still God but he came in a form of a man and his purpose in life was to die on that cross. Bloodshed….familiar? Yes, one sacrifice for all mankind, so that we do not have to go hunting for rams and dogs and whatever you have to do just to get yourselves clean from sin. Hey, I’m not saying that your life will be totally sinless once you believe that Christ did this for us. Ever heard of that phrase, ‘Christians are holy’? Yes because once we believe that Christ died for our sins and ask Him to lead us in our lives, we’re given a New spirit, which is the Holy Spirit. Every Christian has a Holy Spirit in him/her and that spirit is the thing that communicates with God. Without it you can’t, really. It’s like a modem. How can you go online when you don’t have a modem?

Let me quote to you this verse:
"He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross"- Colossians 2:13c-14

Do you realize how much freedom you can have once you leave those sin baggages on the cross? Guilt, worry, health problems, anger, sadness, unforgiveness…common small words that we don’t really seem to care about or just chuck it aside and hopefully one day or rather, let it heal in its time…ah…trust me, it won’t get better with time unless you deal with it there and then. In fact, like for example, depression, it grows in you, it eats you, it’ll kill you in the end. It’s like a disease. That’s where the devil wants you to be anyway. Why succumb to this miserable life when there’s a solution here right in front of you?

Here’s what it also says in the Bible:
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline"- 2 Timothy 1: 7

Timidity = fear, anxiousness, worry

By the way, Jesus is still alive. He’s now in a spirit form, sitting at the right hand of God. I understand that you may feel threatened by what I tell you, it does take great faith to believe in someone you can’t see. Faith is measured by how much you believe and willing to take the risk to trust, NOT FEELINGS. Never rely on feelings cause it can be misleading. God can work miraculously in your life if you thrust your whole self in Him. He doesn’t want your hand nor your finger, but your WHOLE SELF. Giving him one hand is like doubting him all the time. "uhh…I wonder if God heard me today…I’m not sure if He’ll answer me…Nevermind…I’ll pray again". That’s doubt.

I think I’ve started preaching. Well, basically it’s like this. To know God more, to understand your life purpose, to know what He has planned for you, you need to read the Bible. It’s his word. No ones comments, not people’s advice, not people’s views, just go straight to God. The source is already there, it’s just your choice whether you want to take it or not. It’s really a long story for me to summarize, but if you are interested, you can always ask me via email: espiojan@yahoo.com

To answer my past questions about church, I understand why a church is set up for; cause Christ’s spirit is there (God is omnipresent by the way, that means he can be anywhere at anytime) Christ is the main foundation of a church. No Christ, no church. And why do we practice (not only on Sundays, but everyday, everytime, till the day we die) gentleness, kindness, love? It’s because when you know the true God, to know him is to love him, to love is to obey. The teachings in the Bible are God’s suggestions for our lives. The best way to handle our lives. If you don’t follow it, it’s still your choice but that’s the life manual he has set.

About rituals and outward practices, being a Christian is a life-time lifestyle. Not only during Sunday service. Honestly, that’s one thing the turns me off, people are not constant in their character. That was the main reason that let me to discouragement and disbelief in Christ. Well, I became more positive in the sense that as long as I’m not a hypocrite and so long as my relationship with God is not affected.

Sometimes, Christians can be rather hypocrites because remember, we are all sinners and we are not perfect. Just like you and me. We’re no different in body. Jesus was never a hypocrite. That’s why we’re striving our best to be like him. He’s our example, so don’t hero worship a Christian brother or sister cause there’s bound to be disappointment once they fall. In result, you might fall too if you’re not careful.

A Christian life is never a bed of roses. But when faith and action comes in, it's more than a bed of roses.

Father, Father

2005-04-30T02:01:00.000-07:00

Father, Father,
Can You make me run
As swift as the beasts
Where the wind hits my body
And my surroundings smear?

Dear Child,
You do not even look
What’s ahead of you
You always trip
Over your own feet
How are you suppose to run?

Father, Father,
Can You make me,
The Prettiest being on Earth
Where the paths I walk
Turn to crystals
And the things I touch,
Turn to gold?

Dear Child,
You do not even look
In the mirror
You do not even treasure
What you had
How then, will you appreciate
What I give?

Father, Father,
Can you make me,
The richest in the kingdom
Where my house will be built
On a private hill
With a garden, vast as the seas?

Dear Child,
You spend
Every single penny you had
You forgot to even return
Blessings to those who raised you
How then, could you ever be rich?

Father, Father,
Do you not love me?
Do you not care?
Despair, is all I feel
Why do you not answer,
To the things I ask for?

Dearest Child,
I love you
More than anything else
That belongs to me
I love you
So much that I traded
The Life of my own
Just to have you

My Child,
The things you asked,
Are little things,
Brings no value
Compared to what I have
In store for you

I will make you run,
But only when your feet are strengthened

I will make you beautiful,
No crystals, no gold,
But where wild flowers on the earth,
Where the mountains that scrapes the skies
Where the sea pours and roars
Rejoices in your presence

I will make you rich,
Money’s a waste of time,
What small ambition you have!
I will make you rich
In knowledge of the Truth
The one element
The earth craves

Be patient My Child,
Be patient
It will come
In My time,

This,
I promise.

J

Blues, baby!

2005-04-17T06:22:00.000-07:00

In one of those moods...

Just like anyone else. When agitated, we strive to retrieve/receive our comfort zone to bring back our stress-free life and relaxed feelings.

I crave to go back to Australia. That's the place I learn most even though it's only been a year. I won't call it a comfort zone, but rather a place where I'm free to express myself without having anyone sniffing down my back. The days when my time was unlimited. The time when I could meet so many interesting people that added more colours in my life.

It's so unusual for us Asians to actually admire the beauty of nature. We only like doing stuff like hiking, camping and stuff but never really sitting down silently enjoying the presence of nature. How often do we do that? My Aussie friends sorta put that new 'observance' in my mind. Plenty of times, they'll go, "Isn't it wonderful out there? The grass is amazing, the rain's beautiful". Slowly, I learnt to appreciate what they saw. During times of stress, I could just run out of the cottage and sit on the grass and stare at the sky. The clouds are like little cotton balls, bunched together. The air is clean and breezy. I could just sit down and do nothing for the whole day. It must be really hard for a city person to do that otherwise they would go berserk.

Marianne was my walking buddy. Whenever either of us felt stressed, we would call each other out for a walk. It's the best thing I've ever done in my whole life. We walked for ages, probably could add up to 1 kilometer each time. We talk and laugh about memories and updates. It was just a time of release. I truly miss those times. I'm such a laid-back girl, who enjoys living in large spaces, catching up with friends all the time and also needs time by myself. I don't seem to find anyone who loves doing same stuff as I do. Strange, crazy, silly stuffs. Therefore it's hard for me to release stress.

I want to grow old in Albury Wodonga. If plans don't fail. :)

Specially for a great friend

2005-04-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

Dear friend…
In those good ol’ days
The time when you and I…
When we walked
One path of the Journey
Together…

No one could break us
No spell could shake us
No hell could melt us
As if invisible ropes
Tied us to each other

Laughter,
Too many to recall
Tears,
Shed but collected
Support,
More than what we could find
Fights,
That tightened the bond
Misunderstandings,
Built the patience

Above all…

Love,
Willingness to stand up
For each other
No matter what the circumstances

Dear friend…
We have reached the crossroads
It hard to say goodbye I know
But…
I have not forgotten
Every bittersweet memory
Every deed you’ve done
Every dream we shared
‘Thank you’ will never be enough

Don’t worry dear friend
You will find new companions
And you’ll never be left alone
Trust me
It was destined that way
Cause that time…
He knew I needed you
Someone else might need you
More than I do right now

Even if we tried
Things will never be the same
As it was
In those good ol' days

Having one true friend
Is more precious
than a million acquaintances

Though we will be apart
In body
In my heart
You’ll always have that space

J

Bodylicious Baby!

2005-03-27T06:26:00.002-08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I hope that it won't turn into life-long struggle, but at times I do feel sinful about watching over my appearance. It's happened gradually over the years and never really talked about it to anyone.

When I was in my teens, I didn't even bother looking at the mirror to check if my hair was properly done. I was really contented and happy with the way I was. (look at old photos and you'll see how dorky I looked!)

Everything wrecked when I received awful comments from 'friends' in public. It's nice of someone to tell you the truth, but there's always a better way of telling such things. We're still human beings and we have feelings too you know! Anyway, some 'friends' I have really put me down at times, saying things to humiliate me or what I don't know. The worst effect was when this sick guy (He's already blacklisted, so if he ever committed a crime, I would definitely be the first to report him), said REALLY loudly outside the lifts, "JANICE!!!! WHY'S YOUR HAIR SO MESSY ONE AH?"

...ouch!

In normal human terms, it's not even messy. I had it layered the day before and it was a little frizzy, but not even mane-like. With this technology of straightening and perming, imperfections become more outstanding. I became so obsesssed with hair products, tried almost every shampoo on the shelf you see, hair masks (ask most guys and girls and they'll go, "huh?"), hair oils, anti-frizz treatments and leave in conditioners. Everytime I use a new bottle, I will only use it about 3-4 times and then buy a new bottle. It became such an obsession and thanks to some of my helpful friends, who literally dragged me out of a shampoo shop in Australia cause they know, I get hypnotized, take out every single note I have just craving to feel my new, textured hair after using that product. My housemates were really thankful to live with me, cause they get free shampoo all the time. Ask my ex-housemate in Sedaya (Keat Ling) and she'll tell you how she just shakes her head everytime she looks in my cupboard. On top of that, I used to be a bottle collecter. Shampoos come in different, attractive packaging are the most tempting to me. It slowly ate me and I'm glad I've controlled myself pretty well in Australia, therefore the spell's slowly taken away. (I am not surprised if it ever comes back). People have asked me to consider straightening my hair, make it once and for all non-frizzy but I'm not interested.

Okay, the hair craze has slowly gone now. A new obsession has been invited into my life, taking over my previous drug. It's clothes and body. My wardrobe is transformed. Almost. Every piece of clothing you see, has some strange style I'd never bother looking at in my younger days. I'm slowly having this mentality that since I'm still young, I'm able to wear these clothes, so WEAR IT! I won't say much about this because I haven't really bought that much clothes cause I'm guarding my purse for dear life, but I LOVE strolling at every clothes store to see different styles and patterns (after reading that book that teaches you what to wear according to your body shape) and observing what people wear.

Body. Goodness! Me thinking about body?!! That's a joke of the century. Yes, I've never been conscious of what I ate, I've never bothered about my health and I've never bothered getting tanned. I'm just crazy. I want to go for aerobics, tried doing some workouts on my own to tone my muscles. I hope my discipline would never die. My main focus is in the long-run. I want to stay fit as old as I live but of course, right now I want to be preeeetyyy. It's not time consuming to look good, but it takes effort and stimulation. I like a bit of a bronzed look. I have this mentality that fair people are kinda 'lembik' a.k.a. weak because often I'm portrayed weak due to my skin colour. Lately, it's about my style of walking and posture. I have a really bad posture due to the way I walk. When young, I walked tip-toes, as if I were skipping. Then I was told it's really bad for the backbone and I started concentrating to walk on my heels. With that, I kept looking at my feet and therefore I walk slightly bent forward now. I also found out I'm pigeon-footed, makes it worst. TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE!!! I might need to see a specialist for this cause lately, I've been having backpains and I believe it's due to the way I walk.

I have a little liking for make up too, cause the beauty of make up can enhance the best of your looks. You don't need to go for a complete makeover. I don't use it all the time, only during occasions and I make sure that doesn't become another barrier for me.

Slowly as the years pass, it'll be shoes and bags. Sigh...isn't it difficult being a female?

I really and only support the natural look. Straightening is fake and makes one's hair look lifeless, flat and stiff. All the hair needs is good care, good food and a healthy body. For face, don't have to put one-inch-thick foundation or use every single thing (eye shadow, eye liner, eye brow marker, eye lash mascara, bronzer, blusher, lipstick, foundation) at once. If the nicest part of your face is your eyes, then work on the eyes. Forget the rest, otherwise you'll have the tendency to look like a clown. For me, I only need my eyes and lips highlighted. Clothes? Hmm..it's nice to change once in a while to portray yourself more interesting I suppose. Not too drastic though.

It's good to have a balance. Personal grooming is important for it sets the first impression of one. I guess I'm rather overwhelmed by these changes in me cause I was never known to be interested in stuff like these. I really salute those who are able to resist all these temptation. I've failed, seriously. Always said no to these unnecessary expenditures and see what happens now.

Bloody Body maintenance!

Interviews...interviews...

2005-03-20T22:17:00.000-08:00

Well, to share a little bit of my interview experiences. Since my family and my friend Bryan have already heard this, I'm assured that it's not embarrassing to tell people what I did cause maybe they could learn from it as well.

I had 4 interviews all together. I believe I am the last in my batch (Food Science) to start work as the rest of them already found jobs by march. Well, I was told it is normal for a freshie to remain unemployed for at least 6 months. WOW! What a waste of time! Well, waste because knowing myself, I'll be doing stuff that is rather useless, nothing reproductive. (unless you count belly dancing and singing as something useful!)

I screwed up the first phone call I received from this company called MacFood. They are the major supplier of McDonalds. Why? Because I was in the midst of doing something really silly and my mind wasn't with me, so when I answered the call, I didn't think when I was speaking. I told them I had no time for the interview, cause they set it at a date that I couldn't come. (I was in Alor Star at that time, and the interview was in Shah Alam the next day). Now, by hook or by crook, if you really want the job, you should make an effort to go for the interview regardless which part of the world you are in. I felt it was impossible to come down immediately. Anyway, I was silly not to ask for an alternative date. Then the lady hung up cause she seemed to be in a hurry.

Anyway, I called up this company the next day to fix another time, hoping they could slot me somewhere and give me a chance. Then I had another call in the afternoon by this company called Saudi. The interview was also in Shah Alam the NEXT day, and the alternative day was not suitable for my schedule. Therefore I had to rush to Shah Alam immediately on the morning itself. It's a 5 hour drive, and the interview was at 4pm.

Well, I screwed up this interview as well. The general manager interviewed me and he asked me questions that tested on my foody knowledge (which I had none at that moment cause I went with a blank mind). His first question was "Do you know how to make a beef patty?" and I straightaway said "No, cause I have no working experience". Then he goes, " Do you know how to make sausages?" I was like thinking, "Damn man...didn't you just hear what I said? Didn't you read my resume?" Then I mumbled, "Well...a little perhaps, as I studied it before". Then he asked, "So, tell me how to make sausages".

I was stunned. It's really a long process, and you know how detailed I get, so I was getting lazy thinking of all the details and I just said," Basically, it's made from animal by-products and we use nitrate to kill deadly pathogens and preserve the meat". What I meant by by-products are intestines and stomach. Actually, by-products meant hair, bones...teeth...hooves...feathers.... I officially made myself a joke in Food Science, batch 2002. Obviously, Food Science isn't my line.

Well, back to MacFood. I had it 2 days after this Saudi interview. I think I was already not short-listed cause the person interviewing me had no interest although she seemed really nice and professional cause the interview only lasted 10 minutes. The killer question is always, "Tell me something about yourself". Most people take this opportunity to melt the ice but we must also know what to say, what the interviewer wants to hear. They don't want to know your hobbies, they don't want to hear your achievements but rather what you learnt, and how your skills will complement or benefit their company.

What my brother-in-law told me was, an interview is like a date. Both parties are getting to know one another, and first impression is always important. Think about it. This person is only meeting you once and you only have that one chance, to make yourself known to this person. If you are too quiet, they'll just ask you to leave. Simple. Also from a friend, Adrian, that if the interviewer is a bit too quiet, or doesn't seem to ask much questions, we need to prompt them instead. Be creative in our answers so that they will be curious to know. (that I still haven't mastered)

I went for another company called Ideal Approach, which is an advertising company. I applied for Management Trainee but they seemed uninterested. Sigh....I told myself, it's ok. Just go for interviews to build my confidence or as Adrian says, to build a 'thicker skin'. LOL!

Then this company called me up. FC-Bios. They sell Lab Equipments to Universities, hospitals and clinics. I applied for Sales, which required a degree in food science. Perhaps it's easier to get someone with Food background to explain to clients about those equipments that are used to test food, like Gas Chromatography (GC), HPLC and stuff like that.

This was the longest interview I ever had. It lasted for 50 minutes. The interviewer (owner of the company) kept bagging me out for my age. "20? Impossible! Impossible that you have your degree already!" "What does your mother feel? You, 20 years old, single, travelling around with all those killings happening in our midst?" "Are you able to make adjustments?"

I told him there will be a time when I will have to move on. I have to start somewhere. It's no point worrying about stuff like these cause I'll never grow. It's true that my mother feels worried, I'm sure all mothers would, but I've assured her that I'll do my best and take care of myself. (I believe I've prooved that to her enough). I don't know but automatically, I just showed him that I'm independant. Compared to anyone else I know from my batch, I've lived far from home longer than any of them would have so it's one sign of independance I believe. I think it's in my blood. I always try to break free from comfort zone cause I know my weakness, I tend to go all flat, lazy and unmotivated.

Sorry! Side track again! Well, this interviewer seemed more keen with me than the rest. He asked me so many questions about myself, situational questions to see how well I could answer him. It was quite challenging, especially when his face looks so grim and firm. He hardly smiled and he seemed quite impatient to me. He didn't take my certificates but he had a look at them. I was thinking in my heart that I've failed again, but it's ok. It was good experience. One thing, after every interview, they would usually ask, "do you have any questions?" Take this opportunity to ask about their company and positions, how many employees are there...how much is the company annual turnover..blah blah...basically to show that you are interested.

I prayed to God a simple prayer, "If it was meant to be, then let all doors open". That was all I said. I surrendered. Seriously, it's good to go for interviews, but knowing that you can't make it through, makes you feel all drained and tired to go for the next one. Most companies would have a second interview and I only made the first interviews. Never got called back the second time. However, NEVER show your disappointment. Just continue being polite, thank them for their time and leave. (I never wore such a thick mask in my life before...unfortunately...welcome to the working world)

Then suddenly this week, this company called me back for a second interview. I couldn't believe my ears. My heart was pounding so hard it nearly ripped off my lung cage. When I entered the office, EVERYONE knew I was the "20-year-old girl, who graduated with a Food Science degree". But the people working there are really young looking, hmm..perhaps 25 year and above and they are all so friendly. Smiley, welcoming and they talk to me. It was pretty easy to get along if I were to work there. I can't wait to make friends with them actually. I'm so excited. But wait...don't get too hyped up. I still have to pass one more interview and I will only know the outcome later.

He called me into his office. This time, he was in a more friendly mood and less grim. Still serious, as he is boss but a more fatherly-like figure. He was honest, and he told me that he's impressed with the way I speak and think. He said I made myself very clear and I have good communication skills. He saw another position more suitable for me and that sales was not really my line, cause it's too much of a burden and loads of travelling. He didn't promise me the sales job but I'd never know. I'm not overwhelmed by what he said about me, but I'm more happy that he's honest and he is willing to give me a position. Even pay me more than what I asked for. What more could I ask for? Anyway, I'll be doing marketing. Really, totally nothing to do with Food Science.

So, even if you didn't get a job related to your field of study, it's ok. I believe freshies ought to start somewhere and who knows, you might find this other strange job more of your capability and liking instead. I might try Food Science later on in life, but I'll stick to this first.

God opened all doors. In a way, I was telling this to Marianne, it's quite scary. Imagine you standing in front of many many doors and after mumbling something like "please open", suddenly all doors just burst open before you. I'm still 'recovering' from this shock but it's a pleasant shock.

Another thing I've learnt. Prayer works. Pray with an open heart and mind, pray sincerely and with faith. Many people I've met and even myself, have said this at least once in their lives, "Why doesn't God hear me? Why is he so unfair?" It's probably selfish prayers that's why God didn't answer them.

Strange Dream

2005-03-20T22:02:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been pretty stressed out with interviews. I know that I have to 'prepare' something to say when I enter that room, but I don't like to write down speeches because I'll end up memorizing it. Impromtu is the best and most natural. Also a better challenge to see how fast and well my mind thinks on the spot.

The night before an interview, I was sorta preparing questions to ask regarding the position and the company. Then I drifted into deep sleep...

The office room was quite small and a man, slightly plump and was about fortyish sat before me. He was taking down notes while I was talking, perhaps getting some important details of what I was saying. Every now and then, he nodded to indicate that either what I said made sense or he understood. Words just flowed gracefully and was very articulate. I'd never felt so confident before. The interviewer seemed pleased with me. I was so sure this job was mine.

Suddenly, very suddenly, halfway our conversation, I let out a furious meow. My eyes narrowed and I went, "WWwMMmEeooooooRrrrrrrr". The poor guy looked confused, still taking down notes, trying to understand what I was saying. He nodded but he didn't look so sure this time.

This was too much. I woke up. It's too bizarre to continue this dream. Then I realized there were male cats starting to fight at our backyard. Ahhh....so THAT'S the voice that replaced mine.

Crazy huh? Told ya. My dreams are nuts. How can I not be.

Life Controllers

2005-03-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

All of us are somewhat bound to something. Though most people deny it. They do not realize how these things or people silently possess their lives. Starts off with a simple liking, when goes out of hand, turns into an obsession. It could be money, drugs, family, friends or even themselves.

I used to believe what people told me. Not that I totally don't now, but much less. That is one common mistake most people would make. We seek recognition. We seek status. We want to be known or be outstanding in some way that we don't seem neglected. We do this to gain confidence. I learnt it through painful ways. I used to ask people what they thought of me, waiting for their comments to gauge myself. Not everybody are kind enough to tell you the truth. Some take advantage to step on you, find out your weakness and they entertain themselves by watching you fall.

In the first half of my life, I met genuine, sincere, caring and sweet people that I gained trust in. I was too naive. I listened and believed what they told me about myself. Slowly, the devil unleashed itself within these people. This silent, powerful force that that gently captured me, begun to control me like a puppet. Bit by bit, I was intoxicated to a point where I lost my identity. I became confused with myself.

Till one day, I was knocked to my senses. People are just humans. Humans are made equally and we are not perfect. I am a human. What makes me less superior than them? Why am I seeking human recognition? Life can't just be wasted away by listening to people's judgement. I believe there's a higher force or Someone who started it all. Creation. Who is this Creator? Since He created me, He should know me better than I know myself or anyone else. If He created me, there must be a reason why I'm hanging around earth. Why wasn't I made a plant instead?

I have found this Creator to be my refuge and strength. It takes a lot of faith to believe in Him. I am still learning but one thing's for sure. Trusting this Creator is so much more worth trusting and listening to compared to a human being. People come and go. People change. This Creator doesn't and will never change. It can't be explained. I may explain it but you will doubt me. I don't see why you shouldn't give this Creator a chance. After all, you have nothing to lose. It's just another experience. I turn to this Creator to be recharged. I don't know who you turn to, but you surely need some source of 'energy' and love somewhere right? Otherwise you'll be a walking corpse. Hopeless.

Back to story. Sheesh! How long-winded and confusing I am! I'm glad to have a balance of people in my life. I am very fortunate to have close, good friends who do care for me. But it doesn't change my views of trusting people. I learnt to listen and let go. No matter how convincing, I am still reluctant to trust. My past has left me a little crippled and I do not care of what people think of me anymore. It's too hard to please everyone.

Move on. You owe nobody nothing. Maybe forgiveness. It's alright to fall and break some bones. Get up and learn. Listening to people isn't enough. You have to go there yourself. Your views will be different from others. Failure is never a full-stop unless you make it so.

But the most important thing, do you know your life controller? Are they reliable till after death?

Simple Life

2005-03-02T09:04:00.000-08:00

The recently famous reality show starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie strangely brings my thoughts on another marathon. It is pretty disturbing on a night when I need sleep most so thank God for this blog where I can blurt everything out.

I usually dislike watching reality shows mainly because it’s like watching other peoples lives when I have mine to handle. This ‘Simple Life’ series somehow got my attention, not because I admired anyone in there, not because of the country boys (well…some of them I admit are really cute!) but solely because, I wanted to know what was this show all about. My first impression was that these girls were visiting the countryside, and probably having a tour as they spent their lives mainly in the city and wanted a change or something. I was so wrong. To my amazement, I was hooked on even more because most of the time I was laughing at these girls stupidity! Honestly, maybe that’s why people are watching it now. LOL!!

I was watching this episode where Paris rides on a horse and fell off its back. First thing that amused me was that they traveled miles without bring ANY cash with them. Now, which sane human with a brain would do that? Then they start begging people by the streets for money. It’s so strange to see how easy people give in to them, just by their sweet smile and high-pitched-draggy-made baby voices. How could people do that?Doesn’t everyone know that they are LOADED?

Second part that humoured me was that they wore make-up and mini skirts to a farm. Now, they KNEW they were going to a farm. How could anyone work with that sort of dressing IN A FARM? The owner of the house asked them to change to jeans for you obviously can’t ride a horse in that! Neither Paris nor Nicole knew how to ride a horse. Paris wanted to ride faster so she kicked the horse, lost control and fell off. Seeing what happened, Nicole yelled, "Oh my God! Get me off this horse!" The first thing that came to my mind was, "You selfish bitch! Can’t you see that your friend is in pain and all you thought of was yourself?" and that brought me to a halt.

Yeah, probably she did think of Paris at a split second. Then she thought of herself being in Paris’ position. But then, she wouldn’t bear to feel pain. Herself was more important than Paris. Slowly, her ingenius mechanical amplitude managed to generate the words, "Get ME off this horse!" This line made me think about myself. How many times have I been like that? How many times have I actually stood up for someone, enduring pain that doesn’t belong to me? How many times have I fought fear? How many times does the word ME stands bolder than my loved one?

Okay, back to story. Paris fell and she had thorns all over her body. Fine. It does hurt I admit (after walking through a bed of bindis, I know how painful grass thorns are. It’s like walking on chipped, dry corals). She stood up and walked. No broken bones, no dislocated joints…nothing! Everything was in normal condition. A helicopter…*cough,wheeze*… what did I just say? A HELICOPTER? Unbelievable! Flew all the way to the countryside to fetch Miss Paris Hilton, the hotel heiress to a hospital. Mind you, those were only thorns. I wonder what would they do if she had a heart attack. What surprises me most was that heaps of reporters were surrounding the hospital, waiting eagerly for Paris. Look, just because she’s an heiress doesn’t make her anymore superior than anyone else in this world. What about those people suffering? Deeper suffering than just thorns to be filmed and reported! Is there something wrong with this world or am I just turning insane?

When the girls resumed to the filming of their ‘simple life’ (indeed!), the owner of the farm was interviewed and he said, "My heart softens when I see pretty girls". WTF?! They are the biggest embarrassment to women. Oh yes, I forgot completely! They are little girls in an oversized body, poor little damsels in distress. Honestly, I get so turned off by girls who act so lousy, useless and scared to get a dot of dirt on their skin. Look, what’s wrong with girls carrying heavy stuff? What’s wrong with girls playing with mud? I hate the phrase where people always say, "Let the men do the job". Hey, women can be physically strong too you know! Ah, I think I’d better stop here cause I know many girls who make themselves not capable, act so weak around guys, so by this time, they would be burning with anger if they were reading this. Girls, buck up. You are not made to survive with men you know (vice versa too). You were born alone, you will die alone. You are made whole. There’s no such thing as "my other half" or "life’s complete when you found a perfect mate". Sorry but it’s time to end fantasy. Welcome to the real world.

Guess that’s all. Will watch more episodes of Simple Life and I’ll have more to say. Life ain’t that simple, if you knew it. To Paris and Nicole, life seems simple because you made the whole world revolved around you. You mess things and people have to clean them for you. I’ll be waiting for the day your little world stops. That’s the reality show everybody would want to watch to see your survival skills.

For animal lovers

2005-03-02T04:41:00.000-08:00

Animals are love-seeking creatures just like us. I cannot understand the mentality of people whom treat animals like objects. Indifferent walking things that deserved to be beaten, locked up and yelled at. Just because they annoy you, just because you think they are dirty, just because you are afraid they might attack you, just because you are such a loser and you can only take on something that seems lower than you. Most people I know only keep pets as ornaments. They don’t spend time with them, don’t give them any fun. You think that by leaving them wandering around the house and supplying them with food and water is sufficient. So wrong dear...so wrong.

I despise owners that don’t understand their animals. Did you notice that their face bared with sorrow when you left the house? Did that even cross your mind or you didn’t even bother looking at them? All they wanted was your attention and love. If you can’t do a simple thing as that, go give your animal to someone else who would show him or her the love they need. You certainly don’t deserve that animal that loves you. If you know you can’t take care of an animal, why did you even want one? I once had a neighbour who ill-treated his dogs and only used them as house guards. If you are that sort of owner, I hope that sometime in life you will feel what you did towards the ‘ones’ that loved you.

If I had the license to hold a gun, I would shoot those owners. That is how important it is to me.

My New Friend

2005-02-27T08:17:00.000-08:00

He introduced himself to my sister sometime in the middle of last year. She sent me pictures of him and I thought he was quite skinny for his age. My sister was very obsessed with him, for she stayed alone and he was her home companion. He only came by when he was hungry.

Every time I came online, she would have stories to tell me about him. One time last year, my sister found some boys crowding around him with metal rods and she chased them away. He was petrified and he cried out in pain. Never had she seen him behaving like this before. He could hardly move. She rushed him to a doctor and after having an x-ray, they soon found that he had a broken hipbone. To heal quickly, the best option was to undergo a surgery but my sister couldn’t afford. So he was advised to stay put and he had to have a dry diet for it would be much easier for him to pass motion. The only drugs given to him were painkillers, which cost a bomb. Poor teenager, that was his traumatic moment. Till today, it still does hurt him once a while.

When I returned from Australia in December, I met him. He grew, looking more handsome and charming. My heart couldn’t resist. The minute his eyes stare into mine, I just melt and bring him into my arms. Speechless… but so much emotion. My sister, her husband and I only seem to understand him. He could not speak but he expresses himself so clearly in his voice and his eyes. Most of the time, he seems pretty annoyed but he has such a cute face therefore I don’t take him seriously. He has a funny habit of running and calling us, which makes his voice vibrates with the thumping of his feet on the ground. That is his way of expressing his excitement and happiness when he sees us coming home. We enjoy talking and spending time with him because he listens.

My parents aren’t so fond of him. He annoys them. They even threatened to throw him away somewhere far from the house because they did not want him to live here. However, dad and him get along pretty fine gradually. It’s hilarious to see them together. He loves dad, I don’t understand why. They don’t even spend time together, they just bonded really quickly. Every time when he comes up to the house, he calls dad when he sees him. Mum still dislikes him, but I caught her talking to him once and it’s really cute. Even now, my neighbour talks to him.

This is Jay, my cat whom I love dearly. Don't be surprised with yourself for talking to him (when you don't normally talk to cats) because there's something about this little fella that will prompt you to talk to him...somehow. :)

Another phase in life...and thoughts

2005-02-22T06:15:00.000-08:00

First phase of moving on was from high school to college. Second was from college to Uni (UCSI to CSU). Now, from student to working adult. All that decision making, brain straining, mixed emotions, deserting comfort zone begins from square one. It's one lonely journey. It's all about choices I make that will determine my future.

The first and second phase wasn't too bad as I was still a student and had close ones around me to keep me company wherever I was. I thought that having going through all that mind boggling situation, I would be more familiar when I face it over and over but I am wrong. It's a man-eat-man world out there. Working life, is a total turnaround compared to a simple life of a student. I am told to not be myself. When the world finds out your soft spot, it just opens opportunity for them to step on you.

I'm in a dilemma. So confused with how I should conduct myself and what to say to people. I am not comfortable NOT being myself even if once in a while, I do wear masks, but I cannot do that everyday. Insanity.

In making decisions, clashing thoughts with loved ones tend to happen. Drats me so. The tension builds up from within and anger explodes like a stink bomb. There you go. Yelling and screaming, throwing of objects, then silence. Silence for a few days. Nobody speaks to anybody. When meet eye to eye, pangs of glare could be felt. After deep thought, loved ones don't mean to hurt each other. Everybody's different. It's just their way of showing love that I cannot accept. A friend brought me to realization that deep down they do care and their intensions are good. I burn with guilt, feels like I'm standing next to a bonfire.

Packed everything I need, cleaned my room. It looks unoccupied now. Lifeless, it is. More thoughts run through my mind. Will I ever have that chance to spend the same amount of quality time with them as I used to? What if I don't? What if I don't get to see them again? Life is short. This is the one reason why I cannot commit myself to anybody because there are many loved ones out there who need me most. My only way of showing love is spending time. It is my gift. I don't let time pass by without having doing nothing with my loved ones. It's precious. I cried and I prayed. I told God to unbound all those curses in my mind, all those harsh thoughts that were destructive to my loved ones and myself, I need grace, I need peace.

Whatever my decision may be, God tells me since many years ago that He has something big in store for me. How did I know this? After some time forgetting to pray and read His Word, He appeared in the midst of an exam, Microbiology I remembered. He said, "My child, My child, why have you forsaken me?" I was stunned and I looked around the exam hall, wondering where that voice came from. That was strange. There was no way my mind could stray during Microbiology as our weeny brains are packed full and we're desperately scribbling everything we knew, fighting for time. Months afterthat, I was in church, something pulling my heart, telling me I needed to be prayed for. So I went up. I told the lady to pray something simple, about fear and that was all I told her. In the middle of her prayer, she paused in an awkward manner and she suddenly said these lines that hit me like a bullet. "Janice, God is telling you that He wants you home. He still loves you and He doesn't call you just a daughter of His, but Beloved". Within seconds, tears were rolling down uncontrollably. Several incidents in the past that I recalled, were near death experience. I was 2 metres away from a silent moving train, I was almost struck by lightning 3 times (Hello, I was standing beside the window with my cell-phone), I almost jumped off a balcony when I was a kid but something stopped me, I almost hung myself on my ceilling fan and the only thing visible at that crucial moment was the holy humble Bible. Do you call this luck or what? I don't believe in luck cause I believe that this God I trust, is in control of every detail in life. Nothing happens for nothing. There is no such thing as luck. It happened FOR A REASON. If God didn't have anything significant for me to do, why didn't He finish me off?

Well, I went off course. Back to decision making. That was just to make you understand why I want to make choices that don't offend this God, why I keep to His commands for He proves Himself true to me. Every decision I must seek Him first. There's a reason why He placed me here and there, why I meet some people for just one day in my life. Wherever I may be, I hope that He will provide me that time to spare with my loved ones. I hope too, that my loved ones will see this and realize that this God is the missing link they need in their lives. The choice is theirs, and my journey has begun.

@randomthoughts

Life in a Nursery

2005-02-16T05:05:00.000-08:00

"We're children, WE'RE CHILDREN!!!" -Kung Pow

Been working for about 10 days at a wonderful nursery. Had funny and high-blood pressure rising experiences. This nursery has about 30 children I think (ages 3-6). I was given 12 to do individual reading and about 8 to do writing. Some of the children are cute and nice, but once they get too familiar with you, they turn playful and then they no longer become serious in their work. As a kid, I do not remember working as hard as these kids nowadays. They are so full with activities, some after the nursery, will go to kindergarten. Therefore they must be away from home for about 8 hours. That’s insane! It’s like a working adult. When I talk to these kids about plastercine, they do not even know what it is. They only know all about VCDs and DVDs. These kids don’t know what they are missing out in life.

Sometimes it’s really hard to discipline the kid when he/she gets playful or doesn’t try to progress. I was told to threaten them but I disagree with the idea of putting fear in them. I don’t understand how some people can whack their children when all they need is guidance. I don’t like scolding, therefore I try my hardest to discipline them without raising my voice but I do give them an ugly look to make them realize I am disappointed with them. Worst come to worst, I will only punish them by making them stand in the corner. There was this one time I was so angry with a kid who didn’t want to eat her food and has the tendency to throw up everything she eats. I told her in mandarin that if she didn’t want her food, I would beat her (of course I didn’t, it’s my one and only favorite threatening line cause this kid is so spoilt and I don’t think her parents ever raised their hands on her). She is only 3 and I still don’t understand till today how she makes herself throw up so easily. She’s so choosy over her food so we do not want that to be a habit. She’s much better today, cause she ate everything without complaining or vomiting. (for your info, I see 2 children vomit daily and I’m so used to it already)

During writing, some of the kids get on my nerves because they like to fight over erasers and colour pencils. “TEACHER TEACHER!! HE TOOK THE ERASER AND HE DON’T WANT TO GIVE ME!!!” Instead of scolding them, I tried to implement politeness like asking them to say, “May I have the eraser please? Thank you”. It only happened once because I was so busy running from one kid to another to check on their work. They are learning to write ABCs and numbers so I need to correct them if they are wrong. Some of the kids seem to see letters and numbers in their inverted direction. Some of them have a disability in reading and learning but parents don’t want to spend that money to treat them. I don’t know what the term is called for their disability, but I am not pleased with this parents who are rich and think last of their son. This boy couldn’t read words like, “have, he, here and dragon” so one day I showed him flashcards and made him spell the words. I noticed that he read ‘d’ as ‘b’ and ‘n’ as ‘u’ and vice versa.

Some of the kids are so darn cute and I just can’t help but like them. There’s this 3-year-old girl that doesn’t really talk, she’s quite soft spoken and when she wants something, she points to it and looks at you. She likes going up to people and touching their face gently. What a cute thing to do. Another kid, who looks like my second sister Jo-Ann, is such a proper girl. Her grandma and mother buy her sweet girlie clothes and she has really big round eyes. She likes to stare at you and she’s SO quiet! Now she’s getting familiar with me cause she tries to talk to me and sits by my side. There are a few more kids that are getting familiar with me cause they like to come and sit on my lap (only allowed after classes). There are another 3 boys that I’m really fond of. One of them is the boy that has the disability in learning cause he has such brown hair, brown eyes and rosy cheeks. Another boy has a cute, egg-shape face that reminds me of some toy and his hair is so short, every time he walks past me I’ll take the opportunity to ruffle his hair and he’ll just stare at me looking annoyed (they are both so familiar with me now and I like it). Another boy is not under my care, but he has such charming eyes. It’s so dark, big and expressive…sigh…when he grows up he’ll be so good looking. Okay, I’m getting insane, having future thoughts of a 3-year-old boy.

There was once when I didn’t really know how to control the children, while watching tv, they started poking and smacking each other for fun. So I panic and I told them, “Don’t hit but you can tickle!” The kids were silent for a while, their little brains trying to figure out what the meaning of ‘tickle’ is and suddenly…RA!! . There were about 6 of them tickling each other, pouncing on one another rather violently. They don’t know how to tickle but they were jabbing each other and I was a victim cause I was sitting too near them.

Though a short time, I’ve learnt a lot about children. I used to dislike them, thinking I will have no patience with them but after coming here, it has changed my mind of them. Not to say that I really like children, but at least they are more bearable. Children like to be praised for doing things that please adults. They want recognition and assurance that they are good. Even if their work isn’t that fantastic, just by saying a few lines like, “Oh that’s really good!” and they’ll want to put in more effort. That’s why I disagree with punishing or yelling at them without reasoning because it will only destroy their confidence. Only when the times that they refuse to listen, we bring on the punishment. Usually, it’s better to talk and reason out with them (TALK like how we talk to adults but in simpler terms, not BABY-talk). The way of punishing as well is important. Most of the Asian way of punishing involves embarrassment. Public caning, making other children laugh at those being punished; it’s just not necessary. I thought that Asian kids cannot be reasoned but that is so untrue. When they start off young, they can be talked to. It’s just the way of upbringing and parents don’t really talk to their kids and let them know what went wrong. Parents just take the short cut and cane or punish them. In fact, they are much easier to confront than adults.

I must say, children are so cool to talk to cause they are so transparent. It’s so fun to see their innocence. It’s a pity when they grow, they turn pretentious adults like us today. I wish this part of us never changed.

Depression

2005-02-13T04:26:00.000-08:00

Insane. Typing this early in the morning. Can’t sleep cause I felt the urge to type this. Thoughts about my past, areas that I can never forget. The root of the problem, a broken relationship and unforgiveness.

“Am I not good enough?”” Why can’t I be like him/her?” “I will never make it there”. Self-destruction thoughts are just not helpful. Low-self esteem is a self-condemning spirit that was never meant to be in anyone of us. If not dealt with, it may lead to depression because we keep falling into self-pity and having thoughts like, “Nobody will understand me, and there’s no way out of this”.

I went through all that but God was so merciful to make sure everything went smoothly for me, like granting me grace to receive excellent results in exams, placing significant people to help pull me out of my self-pity mode. I will share with you about this later about what these special people did to help me out so that you may have some ideas to be an impact in someone else's life.

Most people would never understand why depressed people would try suicide. I often hear people go, “That man was so stupid! He could have asked for help or talked to someone instead of killing himself!” A depressed person is someone who thinks has lost hope. When hope is lost, explaining to people or talking it out is their last resort because they have this thinking that it will bother others and they do not want to be a burden. This is when true friends come to rescue. INITIATE a conversation. PROBE that person to talk. I hear comments like, “Oh…I don’t want to be a busy body. Oh…I don’t dare to do that incase he/she might be angry with me”. There’s no harm in asking someone how he or she feel, because you open opportunities for him or her to talk. If they don’t want to, then maybe try another time. Don’t force just be patient. I’m not saying that you will cure depressed people; at least you did something that might open doors for them.

My symptoms of depression were mild, so I did not require any medication. I was still able to suppress it cause I wouldn’t want to go around telling people that I’m depressed. When I was left alone, even for a short while like waiting for someone to fetch me from somewhere, tears just pour like water running from the tap. It’s embarrassing but I cannot control it. I had no idea why I was crying. My body is awake, but my mind is elsewhere. I cannot stay focus, I couldn’t sleep at night, and suicidal thoughts rush through my mind. So ashamed to even look at myself in the mirror. Always looking at my feet, never looking up. Hated seeing myself in photos.

The person whom I most appreciate till my deathbed would be Sim. She went through this with me, despite how busy she was. It’s funny how depressed people leash out at their closest ones. I brutally, verbally scarred her for 3 months but yet; she forgave me and gave me ALL HER TIME by LISTENING to me over the phone 3 hours a day although I saw her for the whole day. When I think back, I consider myself one of the luckiest people on earth to discover a best friend. She is the first person God placed in my life when things went wrong. Our friendship has never been affected by distance till today. That’s the strongest friendship I ever had. She showed me courage, ensured me from time to time that I am loved, built my confidence foundation, brought me back my self-esteem.

Pok Tzai Tzin or Roger is my second best friend who brought me so much laughter and as a result, I am so comfortable being myself and I don’t feel ashamed of embarrassing myself in front of others. Of course, I did not completely heal from my depressed effects. It still comes off and on but now at least I know how to handle it and who to turn to. He is the other friend I know who is so sensitive to my feelings. This is really helpful cause he prompts me to talk and as a result, I can let him know my thoughts without any restriction and I always feel better after talking and getting all those ‘rubbish’ out of my system. He does things to DIVERT my mind from my self-pity.

The next person is Jason Tong. We have lost contact now, but I will always remember that he believed in me. That gave me the courage to speak my mind, share my thoughts with others. He gave me CONFIDENCE. He was my cell-group leader and trained me to be co-leader in Sedaya. He knew my main personal struggle and he even ASKED what he could do to help me. He had the guts to ask me that! I was a bit shocked, but am very thankful that there’s someone here who wants to help me.

Then comes Emily Eng. My closest sister-in-Christ who COMFORTED me throughout 3 years and always REMINDED me how important Christ is. To always put Him first, to seek Him first before making decisions. Every time we meet, she always ends the conversation with a prayer. A lot of tear shedding. Without her reminders, I would never discover this wonderful Maker who arranged all these bits of help in my life. Now I understand better. If my life was a bed of roses, God becomes insignificant. I don’t need him at all. Because of the Fall, I appreciate my life more than I did 6 years ago. All these little gems, I would never discover if it weren’t for the Fall.

My Sedaya CF buddies, Christine, Venice, Peter Moo, Kin Yan, Peter Ting, Prakash, Weng Onn, Peter Ng and Elaine never fail to accompany me, ask me how I am and kept me constantly in their PRAYERS.

Joseph Chua, one of the few who corresponds faithfully through email. He was willing to SHARE and RELATE his problems with me so that I don’t feel alone. Another friend whom I am not worried about distance factor. He is HONEST and DOWN-TO-EARTH. Also reminded me that I’m special.

Marianne, the sunflower in my life. The girl who thought me to see the POSITIVE side of people and bring the BEST out of others. She too, added my CONFIDENCE. Spent most of her time with me. The other person who isn’t embarrassed to humiliate herself in public. She encouraged me to be myself, letting me know my strengths and to not bother about what people comment. She turned me girlier and now I’m less of a tomboy. We only knew each other for 6 months, but feels like more than that. We always look at the funny side of people and we will chuckle by ourselves cause nobody else seems to get our jokes. Man…those were good times. As a result, I can even JOKE about my morbid thoughts and myself. That’s where dark humour came in. Unfortunately, not many enjoy this kind of jokes. Why do I say it’s good? Cause it helps me not to fall into self-pity mode. I joke about it, and then it passes by and I don’t remember it anymore.

Cathy George. Whenever she heard that I am not doing fine, she VISITS me and has the WISDOM to ADVICE me.

Towards the end of my Food Science course, I’m very much backing to normal. Now that I hardly see these special people in my life, I do feel a bit empty and strange but I know I cannot depend solely on them. It’s time to walk without the stick. Looking at the big picture, God is behind the scenes and since He organized these to happen to me, I should seek Him. Easier said than done, therefore, I am still learning but I know I’m not alone cause there are so many Christian brothers and sisters around me to help keep me accountable.

If you suffer from depression, you need to put in effort to help yourself too. Open your mouth. Let someone you trust know what’s happening and also do something about it. Don’t expect others to come to your aid all the time and prepare the way for you cause chances are it’ll never happen. Also understand that people have limited patience. When the panic button in you flashes, knowing something is not right, DO SOMETHING, DON’T WAIT. The more you prolong, the worst it gets.

J

Phobias

2005-02-01T04:48:00.000-08:00

There’s always something that a person is most afraid of even though how tough and egoistic they are. Let me tell you mine.

I’m perfect with heights, strangers and eating strange stuff (if I joined Fear Factor for those eating stuff, I can win without effort). However, I’ve never met anyone whom has the same fear as I do. Fish and water.

I can NOT go into those places like Underwater World and stuff like that ALONE. Because there are heaps of people around me, I am all right. The strange thing is that this fear developed when I was a teenager. I have no recall of memory of this fear when I was a toddler.

One day I walked into an aquarium shop by myself. There are many tanks on both of my sides and the worst ones are those opened-top, large tanks on the floor with those Japanese-carps. I hate the sound of the pump making the bubbles. I couldn’t even walk halfway through the aisle and I bolted outside, panting and my face turned pale.

I keep having nightmares of large aquariums with BLACK fishes, of all shapes and sizes, fishes that I’ve never seen before (my dreams are in black and white anyway, like what you see on those old TVs except it’s clearer). Worst part of the nightmare is that somehow I’ll fall into one of these aquariums and seeing these fishes face to face. They just swim past and they have no eyes. Very large fishes, the smallest is half a meter’s length.

Besides this, I also had a series of nightmares of driving on a bridge above the sea, and the distance of the bridge from the sea is only 1 meter. Apparently, in this nightmare, I often drive to this place back and forth (I have no idea for what). So one day when I was driving home, a large wave, as tall as 7-8 meters, crashed on the first part of the bridge and the bridge begin to fall apart. Many cars and people perished but I was lucky to be in the middle of the bridge. I drove full-speed as the wave was approaching nearer and nearer to my car and the bridge was crumbling down. I was too frightened that I woke up. I don’t know the ending of that nightmare. Someone else was in the car with me but I shall not mention names.

This is the main reason why I cannot swim. The minute I am in water, something will just trigger these thoughts and I panic. I will be learning swimming soon. I want to fight this fear. The minute I overcome this fear, I believe I can conquer anything that comes my way.

J

A wee bit about my family

2005-01-25T06:26:00.000-08:00

My sibblings are the closest people in my life. Like I mentioned earlier, we always had a row with one another. You have no idea how much dislike we had for each other. We took advantage on one another and played pranks. I even swore I would deny them as my own kind. However, the strange part took place was when they left home for college, uni and work. Distance brought us closer to a point where we are not shy of sharing from the gut, (well, I think it's just maybe only me). When they ask anything, I answer like water running from the tap. I am seeking that kind of relationship with close friends. Slowly building it towards that but still I guess, it's not close enough except for one.

Let me explain why we always quarrel even if we just see each other for 5 hours. Now, each person in my family, my mum and dad and my 3 older sibblings have different personalities and none of us share similar interest. Sense of dressing were also different that's why we cannot share clothes.

Dad is a mixture of Phlegmatic and Melancholic. He's pretty calm and usually not affected so much by the things happening around him but at times when he's agitated, he gets really emotional. He's a cool dad who loves sports especially tennis and badminton. He makes sure that all of us are in comfort and strives to help us no matter what.

Mum is a mix of Choleric Sanguine. She is pretty demanding and she fights for what she wants. She orders us children around the house. My home was like a military training ground. Her Sanguiness is reflected by her mixing around with anyone in the community, catching up with gossip and updates. She can be so loud sometimes that the phone distance from my ear could be two inches. She's punctual, responsible and reliable. No one beats her in that in my family. She was a teacher in a primary school and is quite well-liked by her students.

Grace, my eldest sister. Only one word to describe her. INSANE. She goes up to any stranger and strikes conversations. She's so daring to do anything harmful to her life. Her taste of clothes is bizzarre! Very retro. My God! You ought to check her wardrobe. The clashing colours make you faint in no time. She is now married with two children, very cute children. Her husband is an Australian, by the name of Matt. They are both really helpful to me during my studying days and now, job hunting. She does silly things too that makes us all laugh and she exaggerates a LOT. She has a terrible temper and she doesn't feel shy to tell anyone off. Don't mess with her. My friends who have met her, hehe..you know what I mean.

Ronald, my brother is a great musician. He teaches piano and performs in Melbourne. He loves going out and getting drunk. I have hung out with him several times in Australia. He has really cool friends too. He is very emotional and often grumpy. There's not one day that I never got into trouble with him. However, he is very patient with me and he gives practical advices. Oh..he loves gardening. Yeah, he's the gardener of the house and my mum picked it up from him.

Jo-Ann, my second sister, who is the closest among all to me. We fought the most but now the closest. :) She's usually a calm person but when she gets agitated, the whole world panics with her. Now I know where my high-blood pressure comes from. Nah..just kidding. She loves baking and always eager to find new recipes. Jo always makes herself available for those who are in need. I always see her coming out of her comfort zone to make sure others are good. Busy keeping less, never getting more (quoted from Hanson). Okay, I don't want to type too much otherwise I reveal too much of her privacy. Just a brief idea of who she is is enough.

Myself. I am actually a mix of everyone mentioned here. Except the only thing different is that I'm a very gory, detailed person. My poor parents have to bear with this sadistic psycho bitch (quoted from Kung Pow). But my power of being crazy is only 60% of Grace's. Those of you who think I'm mad, there's someone madder out there. :) I'm so irresponsible for myself, but always trying to help people. I have a very big heart but always at wrong places. I get upset easily with friends and I'm very sensitive. Split personality I have. One part so ordinary that you can't differentiate me with the background, the other part, so bright and vain. I still cannot make up my mind where I want to stand.

Guess that is all for now. I'm tired. Good night.

J

He Knew No More

2005-01-25T05:56:00.000-08:00

He used to smile
That bright smile
Lights up gloomy hearts
Wherever he went

But his eyes
They never hid from me
Twinkles with truth
Only when ours meet

He held my heart
With tender hands
The grasp that blew
Beyond fantasy

He left too soon
Forgetting what belongs to me
He knew me no more
He knew no more

I wait patiently
For the gift
That I gave too soon
Hoping it will be returned
Some day
One day…

His door I knocked
The wind hums dancingly
Dry leaves
Circling at my feet

He moved on
His life was too filled
So filled
He didn't hear the bell

He knew me no more
He knew no more

A bit about myself

2005-01-20T01:22:00.000-08:00

Here's a wee bit about myself and some parts are mere exaggeration. (I'm just a poor girl....I need no sympathy..)

I am the youngest of 4 sibblings. 2 sisters and 1 brother. The age gap between me and my third sister is 8 years, so you can imagine, I played by myself my whole life. When I needed someone to play with me, my sibblings had exams or they were busy. They bullied me till death but it's ok. I will always remember them trying to scare me with that doll that looks like the doll from Child's Play. It was almost as tall as I was.

I have no cousins my age on my mother's side of the family so I'm always bored and lonely, finding ways to entertain myself and getting attention. When I was 3, I still remember that I loved that story, "Goldilocks and the Three Bears". Memorized it and told everyone I met, even if they were sitting at the same table, I would walk up to each individual and ask, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A STORY?" (as if they couldn't hear my piercing, high-pitched voice). Yes, I was a very talkative girl who thought everyone was deaf. To a point where Aunty Soo Gek, was so fed-up and said, "ENOUGH!!!" I was a bit taken-aback and hurt. So I went to bed. Now, as kids, we were thought to say our bed-time prayers by kneeling by the bed. (This was witnessed by my cousin Karen). Here was my prayer, "*sigh*...Dear Father..............Once upon a time, there were 3 bears.........okay....I'm tired now. I'll continue this another time. Good night!"

******

I ventured into the neighbourhood when I was about 4 and most of the kids here are boys. There were 2-3 girls who were pretty tom-boyish as well. We grew up playing with guns and cars. I had no idea how to handle a Barbie doll, in fact, I accidently ripped it's head off while changing it's clothes. (belonging to one of my sisters..how she screamed when she saw it headless...sorry Jo!). So now you can understand why I'm not gentle like a girl should be and why I hate wearing skirts. Egoistic bitch.

Anyway, my childhood was the best, cause fear was out of question. We randomly played with anything that comes within reach (pity those tiny fish, frogs and water scorpions! We killed at least half of their population here in Taman Mewah.). We cycled to places we never knew, climbed trees and we broke the see-saw opposite my house. We didn't sit. We STOOD and jumped on the see-saw. That was so much fun! The thrill of getting tossed up in the air. We played "chase" while climbing trees. It's the same rules as playing it on ground. Therefore we had to be familiar with the tree and its branches in order to 'escape' from the chaser. That was hell of fun.

My favourite collection of cars were the Tamiya cars. Since it was expensive to buy the tracks, we used the house drains instead. It was awesom to see the car go full speed in water. Of course, we cleaned the drain before we used it.

I have this bad habit of tasting everything I see. (well..it still happens once in a while!). I tried those chinese bamboo leaves cause I saw grasshoppers eating them. I tried biting a stone in half but it didn't work of course. I ate the jelly that was used for indoor plants (that was good! wouldn't mind trying it again). Well, I ate worst things and I will keep that to myself, thanks.

Basically, I love my childhood a lot and I can remember many things. It's too many to type here. One of my neighbours is Chong Sook Theng. Hahaa! We played hide and seek, and the range was the whole neighbourhood. We can hide ANYWHERE in ANYONE's house. (strange cause no one seemed to care even though we entered their house without permission, people we don't know!)

I guess that's about all for my childhood. There's heaps more but I'm too lazy to type them, cause I need time to describe every single detail. It's better to narrate than to type. :)

Thanks for reading!

Too tired..

2005-01-16T18:56:00.000-08:00

I honestly gave up trusting the people whom I thought was once supportive. It's too dangerous to let people know what really goes deep within you. My eyes are opened to the ugly truth, that those people who 'supported' me were the ones who added poison into my mind. It can be family, it can be friends.

I'm tired..really tired. I don't know how to tell them, because there's too many to tell and I know they cannot accept what I say. I have dropped a few lines and they got pretty defensive and I don't blame them for that. But it just tells me that they cannot accept certain truth that probably is too painful for them.

I was someone who suffered from mild depression. When I was away in Australia, my health was almost perfect because I met new friends, new positive people who don't back stab their friends. Even if it did hurt them, they put it in a joking way but never tell it in such a way that would affect your thinking about the other person.

I find many of my close friends here so filled with bitterness. There's a difference to updates...and gossips. They have this tendency of putting down others and trying to make themselves look good. Now when I listen to such things, there's this force within me that can't accept these negative words they say. I try hard to turn the conversation into something meaningful or bear no interests. It is working I must say. At least it stops them from telling me horrible stuff about others but I doubt it's helping them realize it's time for them to stop. You know how thick skinned some people can be.

If you are my friend reading this page, PLEASE for God's sake! If you gossip, I think only worst of you and I tend to add a distance from you. That's really unhealthy and besides, I learned something new which is that EVERY disease you have, is due to unforgiveness and bitterness. It may be something that happened 10 years ago, something minor that you probably didn't even remember.

I think it's really unkind to put down other people's lives. We have our own lives to handle so leave others alone. Each of us are full of flaws too, and none of us are purer than anyone else in this world. Having to admit and realize that takes a lot of pride and ego. These are the real heroes to me.

I hope that You, can be That Hero.

You Matter Most

2005-01-12T23:38:00.000-08:00

Three years
Time flies huh?
Never thought
The journey would still last
Because you matter most

Awkward
It was in the beginning
Friendship
Had its way of growing

Happiness
Is the glow in our smiles
Sadness
We share and have it solve
Comfort
Is what I saw in you
Trust
When honesty melted the ice
Security
You ensured me

This journey
Walk with me no more
Your back
Facing me
I call
You keep walking
Again I call
Quickly you turn
But you did not see
For the light ahead
Was somewhat brighter

Yet again I call
And will call..
All because
You matter most

Beyond What You See

2005-01-12T23:34:00.000-08:00

The eyes of truth
The heart of love
Leaves not my sight

The length of time
Limited to life
Is all we could give

I wish I could
Bring you eternity
But that’s the way it is

It is too painful
To see you go
My heart can’t bear

There is hope
For You I’m glad
For Us to meet

Beyond what you see
The Door, beside you
Grasp it, waste no time

Find that Door
Together and forever
We will be

My Postings..

2004-12-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

I'm really sorry if my postings are crap. Like I've said before, sometimes it doesn't make sense because I type and try to describe exactly what I am feeling. :) It's just the best way for me to release whatever that's in me.

I don't know what to call those postings like "Jewel in My Palms" and "Trapped" cause it's neither a song, nor a poem. It is just expressions, of what I feel towards someone or something. Well, most of the time, I'm inspired by people to write stuff like that. (it's best to not mention names, I'm sure they won't like it! ;)) Cause I think most of this would harbour bitterness for many left big scars in my past. I don't hold grudges against them, but I will always remember the pain that's left in me. That is why I like Linkin Park (their lyrics are incredible! can't find anyone who describes their anger, pain and frustration so 'accurately'!) and I love dark humour. I thank God for such people in my life cause they built me a character that's really unique.

Of course, not all are terrible people! There are a bunch of good, close friends that I treasure for life. Without them, I would be the grumpiest person on earth, they are the ones that balance up the other half of me. I have my ways of letting them know personally how special they are to me.

Basically, that is one of my favorite past time, to really concentrate and think of someone, and write something about them. Doesn't work all the time, but sometimes, it just comes if I'm lucky. :)

This is my life..thinking far too much. I do enjoy it. Sometimes, people do deserve what they should be told, whether it is through pen, or mouth. If you don't tell them, who else will?

J

Jewel in My Palms

2004-12-25T08:26:00.000-08:00

What makes you so special?
What is in you that shine so bright?
What is that strength?
That draws me to you

Glitter, you precious one
Every ounce of me, so touched by you
Thousands of angels never will replace
Your footsteps in my heart

When I fell from my nest,
Your wings, they carried me
Soared like an eagle
And taught me to fly
You bear the truth I seek,
Your promises I can trust,
Bizarre, is all I can say,
It’s as if I’ve found a jewel
Right in my palms

Written by,
Janice

Trapped!

2004-12-25T08:21:00.000-08:00

Slam, I heard the back door go
The lights went out and nothing I saw
Groping in the dark for somewhere safe
Ended up sitting on the floor

Silence was deafening
Broken sometimes by the wind
Blowing breezily through a cracked window
The clock ticking away constantly

Hell I had no idea where I was
You left me in this trap
All by myself
My mind raced through your words
Your promises
Your overwhelming support
That now makes sense
It was all pretence
I thought I saw it coming
But I gave you my trust
You’ve torn it apart
Like a calendar on the wall
You did not even find me
Cared about nothing
You thought I was dead didn’t you?
Well, you hoped I were

Groping in the dark
Gingerly, I walked
Fell over a vase, cut my limbs
Sprawled on the floor with pain

Dragged myself to the door
With bleeding hands and legs
Not to mention
A bleeding heart as well

Now you want
Another chance
I don’t know if I could
Ever extend another hand to you

Once I was so open
So ready to receive from you
But now that I’ve tasted poison
I’ve decided we are history

I hope you will not try
To kill another soul
For it will be
Lifetime damage

Written by,
Janice

Food Science

2004-12-22T07:54:00.000-08:00

Haha! I have no idea how to use this thingo, and I apologize for not making my page more interesting. I don't plan to post up pictures here though. I thought this would be a better place to type my thoughts than to flood your email account with my nonsense.

I really miss Wagga Wagga. Those of you who were not up with the times, I studied in Charles Sturt University or CSU, Wagga Wagga, Australia. (Nope, I didn't make that up!) Now, I've got a degree in Food Science. Many people get confused, of what Food Science is about. Most people's response would be, "So, can you cook well?" At first, I found it amusing, but now, I'm getting a bit bored answering that question. So..THANK GOD FOR THIS BLOG! Anyone who doesnt understand what Food Science is will understand it Once and for All!

Okay, here goes! Food Science or Food Technology, deals mainly with the processing of food in the FACTORY. Not really in the kitchen, it's more of a mass scale production thingo. Yes, we do learn about 'cooking' in a way, especially in canned meat products, what is the ideal temperature to make sure all the deadly bacteria are killed or deactivated. We learn about those equipments in the food pilot plant, such as boilers, plate-heat exchangers (used for pasteurisation) and freezers.

What can a Food Scientist do after graduating? HEAPS! Except, the problem is that in Malaysia, there are hardly any opportunities, the best place would be Singapore at the moment, as Food Industries are rising there. (pay is better too!) A Food Scientist can set up quality assurance (QA), oversee that the processes in the factory is going smoothly, create new food products, research and development (eg. is this packaging material suitable for the food product..etc..). Basically, those are the main stuff, but we are flexible in the sense that we can work with doctors, vets, biotechnologists and businessmen. It's a pretty wide range I would say.

My interests is in R&D because the problem with QA is that it gets too routine after a while. I'm not that kind of person cause I'll go brain dead after 2 months. Then my thinking system slows down and I'll be spastic for a while...might forget a few people in life...smiling in space...fall into comma for a few years....

Okay! Commercial break over! Back to topic now. Basically, I've finished what I wanted to say anyway. Can't think of anything else important about Food Science. Oh, another thing! Anyone can go thru training (anyone..i think!) to test food products. Pay is VERY rewarding. All you need to do is taste! Fun eh?

Any questions please post on Comments and I'll get back to you ASAP. It won't be a burden.

J

Strange...Strange..

2004-12-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

Isn't it strange how we say such nice things about people when we can't express them when we meet face to face? Isn't it funny how we flatter those who were never there for us?Isn't it strange how it is so hard to say something nice to the people who stood by us all this while? I just wished...that we didn't have to express ourselves through cyber space...that we had more guts to tell the people close to our hearts, how much they mean to us....that people could accept the nice things that we truly wanna give from out of our hearts....we act like heroes...but we are just pure cowards when it comes to complimenting someone face to face..someone who means the world to us....so near, but yet..so far..I guess...by that time, it'll be too late...